Please help me correct my grammar?

Question

Body dysmorphic disorder has occurred to almost every teenager about his or her physical appearance for physical attraction. For example, a seventeen year-old female, named Mary, has small b*****s that fit A-cup bra size, and she thinks boys would not have a long-term relationship with any girl with A-cup size, because of her breast size that makes her look twelve. She decides to undergo a plastic surgery to receive breast implants for to make her b*****s larger and look "mature" so the boys would feel physically attracted to her.

Answer 1

Some of these are a bit nit-picky on my part, and some of them COULD be left, but changing them either makes a bit more sense or makes it flow more smoothly.

Corrections will have * around them.

Things which can be taken out but don't necessarily have to be will have () around them.

Body dysmorphic disorder has occurred *in* almost every teenager *concerning* his or her physical appearance (*or* physical attraction). For example, a *seventeen-year-old* female named Mary has small b*****s that fit A-cup bra size, and she thinks boys would not have a long-term relationship with any girl with A-cup size, because her breast size makes her look twelve. She decides to undergo plastic surgery to receive breast implants to make her b*****s larger and look "mature" so the boys would feel physically attracted to her.

I took out a few commas and prepositions which were misplaced, but didn't star them. You'll probably notice them. (:

You'd probably wanna break up your second sentence too (Mary's story). How's this?:

For example, a seventeen-year-old female named Mary has small b*****s that fit A-cup bra size. She thinks boys would not have a long-term relationship with her because her breast size makes her look twelve. She decides to undergo plastic surgery to receive breast implants to make her b*****s larger and more "mature" so the boys would feel physically attracted to her.

Answer 2

1. Dash between seventeen and year in the second line

2. No comma after female and Mary in the third line

3. Second sentence is a run-on. Take out the comma and and after size in the third line and capitalize she (creating a new sentence)

:)