Please help me edit my poem

Question

i'm going to post my poem and some ideas i have for editing in ( ) sometimes it's just trying to decide between wich word sounds better in the phrase

He is there

Sitting just inches from me (my face?)

Close enough to touch (feel?)

To breathe

To love

I lean forward (closer?)

Hoping to inhale

The scent of his hair

Hoping to see

The smoothness of his neck (should i use neck or something else?)

But he will never know (or And yet he will never know)

Because he is not looking at me (ugghhh it doesn't sound right--looking for changes)

As I am him

Suddenly he turns

And his gaze meets mine

I am lost in the sparkling ocean

The light but intense blue overwhelms me

I wonder what he thinks

Is he lost in the jungle?

My heart aches for what i hope is true

He smiles at me

My lips twitch into what I hope was a smile (any synonyms cuz i used smile twice)

(Trying to return the gesture----not sure if i should use that line)

He slowly turns around

Then I close my eyes

And sigh (should the last two lines be one line???)

please be harsh...if it sounds like a 1st grader wrote it...tell me!!!! please i really need this...it's the first poem i've written that means something to me and i want it to be the best it can be...thanks!!!

Answer 1

Here are my suggestions:

Original

He is there

Sitting just inches from me (my face?)

Close enough to touch (feel?)

To breathe

To love

Maybe:

He is there

Sitting inches from my face

Close enough to feel

his breath

To love

Comments: Try your best never to use "just" in a poem. It says nothing. Also if you use feel in L2 and then do a line break it plays well by giving dual meanings close enough to feel and close enough to feel his breath.

Original

I lean forward (closer?)

Hoping to inhale

The scent of his hair

Hoping to see

The smoothness of his neck (should i use neck or something else?)

Maybe:

I lean closer

Hoping to inhale

The scent of his hair

(You have options here. The neck thing feels like an add-on. Maybe comment on an image that describes the scent of the hair).

Original

But he will never know (or And yet he will never know)

Because he is not looking at me (ugghhh it doesn't sound right--looking for changes)

As I am him

Suddenly he turns

And his gaze meets mine

Maybe:

This is too telling. I would cut the full strophe.

Original

I am lost in the sparkling ocean

The light but intense blue overwhelms me

I wonder what he thinks

Is he lost in the jungle?

Maybe:(taking a word from the cut stanza)

Lost in the sparkling ocean of his gaze

intense blue overwhelms me

Is he also lost

beneath these tides (I couldn't see mixing jungle with ocean one or the other).

Original

My heart aches for what i hope is true

He smiles at me

My lips twitch into what I hope was a smile (any synonyms cuz i used smile twice)

(Trying to return the gesture----not sure if i should use that line)

He slowly turns around

Then I close my eyes

And sigh (should the last two lines be one line???)

Maybe:

He smiles and my lips

twitch in an ache

as I watch him turn

slowly away

I close my eyes

no longer wanting to see

Those are just some thoughts. I want the ending to have a bit more punch. These ideas are to get you to think...nothing more.

Answer 2

The line "Because he is not looking at me" could be changed to "Because he doesnt see me" and the line below could be changed to "The way I see him"

"My lips twitch into what I hope was a smile" I think would sound better if you changed the "lips twitch" into "mouth twitches"

And I think the last two lines should be one line.

But apart from that it's a very good poem!  

Answer 3

This is pretty good, with well thought out ideas. I agree that 'neck' is awkward, maybe 'skin.' I also didn't care for 'see' in the line above, maybe 'sense.' Overall, not bad.

Answer 4

you don't have to restrict yourself to the word "smoothness"  cuz then you only have a few words such as neck or something else to use after...so just think of what YOU WANT TO SEE...and stick it in...what do you want to see?

your poem is confusing...what is the situation?  what is the mood?  he can't be inches from your face...and while in the same you say "he will never know...

give us the image of what you want us to see :)

my lips twitch in hopes of returning the gesture...or "my lips twitch trying to return the gesture"  whichever :)

is he lost in the jungle?  the "jungle of what?"  what 'jungle' is this?  is he a hunter?  or is this some kind of metaphor?

in the end i am confused...does he turn around...looking away from you?  do you sigh in relief? in sadness?  in happiness?  cuz i don't know if he smiled then turned to look another way of not...

when you add those details, i'll come back and help some more :)

if i sound harsh...you said i could be...even though i am not :)