Please help me out!!! i dont know what to do!!!!

Question

ok so i already asked this but let me clear up a few things.

my dad is getting back pay for dissability. now a check is coming in my name for 7 thousand dollars. it should cover the things that he couldnt provide for me while he didnt work for the past 5-6 years. i never went without anything because my step mom always got it for us somehow. my dad thinks the money should go to him. but legally its mine. my dad is addicted to his pills and doesnt think straight. he says hes going to get an apartment and get on his feet (he just got divorsed.) he is also getting a check for 40 thousand. it will come in 8 thousand dollar checks every six months. in addition he will be getting 1,100 a month.

some things to know before deciding where the money goes...

-legally its my money

-im moving 4 states over

-my dad was going to get me a car, but never followed through. even though we sued twice for the accident. somehow the money dissapeared. he claims he lost it.

-he is an addict. but doesnt realize it. he used to have me drive him 2 hours away to get more pills when he didnt have his license.

-he owes SOOO many people money its not funny. i was thinking about repaying some of his debts because i know he wont.

-my prom money went missing (we were doing bad and the money was from my real mom). he said he didnt take it or touch it. then a week later said he acctually found it on my floor, and hid it in the clothes. but wouldnt you tell me that when it happened? or at least when you were accused?

-he drained my bank account for bills because we didnt have the money.

he never follows through, always takes.

but blames everyone else.

unless i give it all to him, my step mom, dad, and two younger siblings will hate me. but i feel like i should at least try and make up some of what he owes.

and in this world you NEED a car. i cant save money because im always putting gas in friends cars, and paying extra for being able to use their car.. not only that but i dont have credit becuase i just turned 18 so i cant get a loan.

money changes people. i dont want to do this being greedy, but at the same time, isnt he being selfish too?? im stuck. in a very bad spot.

please help.

if you could leave your email address so i can contact you that would be great.

Answer 1

You are not responsible or accountable for your Dad.  His mental issues and financial issues are disturbing and from your writing you seem sensitive but with reservations regarding your relationship and obligations to him.  

You are at an age that you are capable of being on your own and you need to give yourself permission to start caring about yourself and your own future.  Any money that was awarded to you directly from his disability claim, is yours and intended to "help you".  It's not a lot of money, it won't buy a new car but will help you purchase a decent used car.

Your Dad's award from his disabilty claim is intended to help him, let him be accountable for his own actions and behavior.  

It's normal at your age to feel connected to your family and feel obligated to the relationships.  It takes time to break the apron strings but from your writing it seems you are being burdened with issues that are not yours and you need to stop wearing everyone's problems. Put your energy into your own life, work hard and create a life that is comfortable and happy.  Being on good terms with your family is important, you can be nice but when you feel them dumping their burdens on you, you need to excuse yourself politely and REMIND YOURSELF: "I AM ONLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR MYSELF AND MY BEHAVIOR".  Let them be accountable for themselves.  

Many of us have experienced being over burdened with other family's problems and in time we become stronger and more mature about allowing ourselves not to get involved in issues we can not control.

Good Luck To You

Answer 2

If you tell your family all of this, why wouldn't they want you to keep YOUR MONEY! If you give it to your dad, you know where it's gonna go, your 18 you have to start taking care of yourself, keep the money, no matter how much pain it costs, in the end,  you'll be glad you did!

[e-mail]        e-mail ne time!

Answer 3

You need to get your check, put it in the bank!  Change your account information and do not give it to them.  You are becoming an adult and you need to look out for YOU!  They may be pissed for awhile and that is ok!  There will be more times in your life that people won't agree with you and that is ok, it is part of life.  

You need a vehicle to have a job.  Don't burden yourself anymore with your Dad, sounds to me like he is taking you for granted and NOT wanting the best for you!  

As your father he shouldn't be so selfish and he should have some pride in sending you out into this poor economy knowing that you have YOUR money!  

Don't give in on this!  It's not like your leaving them to starve and they have no money.  

Get excited about your future, know that they may be mad at you but they will eventually come around.  Know that you cannot always agree with everyone and you will have your problems with family throughout your life.  

Take care and good luck.  Be strong. :)

Answer 4

The money is legally yours. You will not be leaving him/family destitute as they will be receiving a lump sum payment (over several months) and a monthly income.  

Forget about "he owes me" remember the money is legally yours (there has to be a reason this money is payable to you) so why the guilt trip? If your family cannot accept the fact you will receive and keep the money then they have a problem - HIM. If you gave the money to him what would happen to it?? Go to drugs, pay off some of the people he owes (I don't think so!!). You are at the point of beginning your life as an adult. You said you are moving then I hope you have a job to go to or you are continuing your education. Don't let guilt from him or anyone else control your life. Welcome to adulthood and the types of decisions that you will have to make during your journey through it. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

like you said the check is in your name.He's getting a divorce from this woman who took care of you for the years he couldn't! I would cash the check.,buy something nice for the step-mom or go somewhere special with her, your treat and save the rest for college.or put it in a cd. there's your excuse why you cant give him any.you won't have very many opportunities in life to get money like this. sock it away and pretend like it's not there until you figure how t use it to better your life. It is a shame he feels it's his.how a parent can take money from a child. don't feel bad. whose name is the check in? tha's who it belings to!  

Answer 6

Hi Kayte

You're in a tough spot and you're not going to like my answer. To let you know where I'm coming from, I've been disabled for 10 years and received back pay for both myself and my son who was 14 when I received it. I understand that aspect from the inside.

Disability payments to a parent in a child's name are in the control of the parent. It is meant as a way to properly provide for the child, not an allowance for the child to do as they please. Even though you didn't have a lot of extras, you claimed you never went without. That's more than many able-bodied parents provide for their children for whatever reason. Legally, it is his money as back payment for what has already been provided for you, whether it was him or his former wife that actually provided. Ideally, a parent will set aside as much of that money as possible for the child's future but we don't live in an ideal world.

An addicted person does not think in the way that most non-addicted people think, as you are already well aware. If he owes many people lots of money you will likely be low on his priority list when it comes to distribution of funds. The priorities of an addict are whatever will provide the addictive substance and lifestyle. That is a sad reality. Many (most) addicts refuse to believe they are not in control of their thoughts and actions.

The sad reality is that you will either give him your blessing with how he uses that money or live in bitterness and anger for years to come. (You cannot 'give' him the money as it is not yours to give). I would refrain from paying any of his debts as he will likely use the money to pay those that are most beneficial to him and his circumstance anyway.

**Please note - I am not berating your father!! I have lived with addicted people and was addicted myself many years ago. I understand to some degree the blind and warped logic that comes after years of addiction. These are sad truthes.

As for you, like many other young adults, you are facing the reality and difficulties of starting out on your own with no assistance from your parents. Let go of what you feel your dad 'owes' you and look forward to what you need to do to reach your own goals. Bitterness will EAT YOU UP inside and prevent you from looking ahead. It may even lead you down an addictive road in the future as you try to escape the anger. Letting go (forgiving) is one of the most difficult things a person can do. But the truth is, when you forgive someone, YOU are the one who becomes free from the wrong that was done. Your only choices are to look at the wrongs of the past or let go and dive into your future!

If you would like to chat further, my email address is [e-mail]. Please note - I will not open any attachments or links. Send me your email address, Kayte, and I will send you my real email address as the one listed here was created simply to keep both of our privacies. The above email address will be deleted after we have established contact.

Answer 7

Hello my friend and I pray that what I say might help out.I also have a son who is 16 years of age and I try to teach him and guide him in a way that my father should have did me.No one is ask to come in this world and so many men are not doing their job as a father and you father seems to be one of them.My dad was never their for me ever but wanted to know everything about our family and what we were doing.He never took his own blame for anything that happen in his life.Everybody else was the blame ,so I can really feel you on that.That's why I have taught my son the right way and been there for him through good and bad decisions in his life.

As for as the money,I see how you feel that you should keep the money or even some of it.But you are different and better than that which is a good thing.Y ou know that you would do right with the money and do right with others.But your father has to realize that for himself,no body else can do that for him.Money don't make a person and money can't bring joy in your life either.I don't use the word happy because happy is for a short time in life of things that are happening,but joy last forever.

So this money that is coming in your name,I would not keep it because your father has to make that decision on what to do with it and no body else.

My solution to you is and it will be hard.But,make your own money,buy your own car,get your own apartment or house,do it all on your own,not to boast or to prove a point,but to show yourself that you can do it the right way.But be the man that God wants all men to be and then be there to show your son on how to be a man,because of what you been through.I pray this helps out and have a Bless Day

Answer 8

Keep the money ... legally it is yours. Morally I can see your point of wanting to pay off some of his debt ...but if I were you I would use the money on things I needed for myself instead of contributing to his bad habits. Its a tough one so I wish you luck with whatever you choose.

Answer 9

why are they going to hate you? h**l he is getting 8000 every six months and 1100 a month. Who is being greedy? Why is the stepmom on his side?  he has a serious problem and everyone is cosigning his BS? do something for yourself with the money, and don't feel bad about it.