Please help me settle this money dispute I am having with my wife. ?

Question

My wife and I moved to another state (plane ride away from our home state). Her brother is turning 18 and of course she wants to travel home for that. His birthday is in September. She also wants to give him $100 for his birthday. Then, she wants to pay for his plane ticket to come see us for Thanksgiving. I feel that we are already doing enough and that she should choose what means the most to her, but she feels this is his eighteenth birthday and really important, but also wants him to come up here for Thanksgiving when the rest of the family comes. Before you say it, there’s no way my wife’s mom will pay for her son’s plane ticket and he doesn’t have a job.

Answer 1

I think she needs to choose one or the other. If it was me, I would go for his 18th birthday. If he wants to come with his family for thanksgiving, then he needs to find a job and earn the money to go. When I was 18, if I wanted something, I earned it myself.

Answer 2

Well, if money is an issue and you don't have it to spare then you need to explain to your wife that you just can't cut it and meet other expenses.  Tell her to ask her little brother what he wants more, either to come out for Thanksgiving or for her to come for his b-day?  Compromise.  

Answer 3

Man she must be really close to her brother.  I think she should just wait and have him come up for Thanksgiving and celebrate his birthday when he gets there.   I don't see a need to make 2 trips, November is not that far away.  I live 5 states away from my family and would not fly down for a birthday.  

Answer 4

If I had to choose...

I would not go for the b-day or give him 100.00

I would (if she can afford) send him the ticket to visit (on Thanksgiving)

for his b-day...

Answer 5

Well, my friend, since you are the leader of the family you have to tell your wife to choose one or the other but that you cannot afford to do both.  She should respect her husband for being generous to offer to pay for one and be understanding that there is only so much money so both cannot be done.  

Good luck!

Answer 6

Can you guys NOT afford it? If you can not make her choose, But IF you guys have the xtra $$ be a sweet heart and let her treat her brother :( pleeeaasse

Answer 7

If it will not put you in a financial bind then I would say yes. That is a special time (turning eighteen) and for Thanksgiving he should be with his family. If it is going to put you in a financial bind then she needs to compromise.

Answer 8

She's being ridiculous.

The kid is 18-- doesn't he have a job or anything? He's old enough to buy his own plane ticket if he wants to be with his family at Thanksgiving.

Answer 9

If you can afford it, I would do it for her, maybe a little less birthday cash?

Answer 10

Make the birthday gift a plane ticket for turkey day

Answer 11

If your wife has the money to pay ir for it I say why not ?    

Answer 12

If you can afford it, I do not understand why it should be a problem.

She is obviously very close to her little brother and if their mother is not doing much for him, she may feel the need to fill in that financial void. I find that to be comendable, really.

Good luck.

Answer 13

Isn't that the POINT of turning 18, to NOT rely on Mommy and Daddy for everything?

No job?  OH h**l NO!

She should give him 100.00 and see if he is responsible enough to use it for a plane ticket.  Sorry but teens today are lazy as heck and the parents encourage it!

Answer 14

I don't see why that's a problem  It's not like she's buying a ticket to Europe.  It can't be that much.  I think it's nice that she cares for her brother.  

Answer 15

i think that you are right.  when you move out of state certain sacrifices have to be made when it comes to a family functions.  it's either his birthday, thanksgiving, or even christmas.  she has to choose, cuz with the price of gas/plane tickets is friggin ridiculous.

oh, send him the $100 for his bday but in a bday card w/a 42 cent stamp

Answer 16

Well, if she works then she can pay for it... Thanksgiving is about family, so it is almost natural that she would want him to come visit.  

Answer 17

It's family! unless you can't afford it do both! What did you do for your 18th.? Besides you don't want to be like his mother do you?

Answer 18

Does your wife work and will this hinder your bills those are the things I would consider to make my judgment.

Answer 19

Clearly she cares deeply for her brother and wants to spend time with him and make his 18th birthday special.  I say let her do it and enjoy your brother in law and help to put a smile on his face.

Answer 20

I SEE THAT MAYBE YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY. SHE JUST WANTS HER WHOLE FAMILY TOGETHER ON THANKSGIVING WHICH IS VERY UNDERSTANABLE AND SEEMS TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT SHE CAN DO BOTH, BUT SHE SHOULD JUST DO ONE. IT'S ONLY HIS 18TH B-DAY IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD....SHE SHOULD PICK ONE BUT IF YOU HAVE MONEY THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Answer 21

It is very sweet to hear of siblings who are so deeply bonded and love each other so dearly. That is a wonderful relationship which will stand them both much good throughout their lives. Our longest and most intimate relationships are with our siblings, and they can either bring great joy and support, or be a total misery and a loss. I am so thrilled that your wife and her younger brother have that special bond that only siblings can share.

With that said, I think one of two things here: If you two can afford these expenses then why not? It isn't as though this young man is a dead beat. He is a child, even if he is reaching his majority. He won't be considered truly an adult in my eyes until he is at least 25 years old. His brain won't even be finished developing until that age. Scientists used to think the brain finished developing at a sooner age, but have now discovered that isn't true. So, we are talking about a child here, not an actual adult.

So what if he hasn't gotten a job yet? In my opinion his education is his job. It would be great if he could work a part time employment job as well, but not every young person can do that and still excel in school. If a job interferes in his studies in any way, the job needs to go, as his studies are what will make or break him when he finally really does attain his adulthood.

So, if you can afford this I do not see why you cannot aid the furthering of this relationship. It is important that these two siblings continue to bond as they both continue to mature into adulthood. There is such rapid change between the ages of eighteen to twenty eight, that they need to see each other as often as possible to retain their bond and not become basically strangers to each other.

If you cannot afford all of this then she needs to be responsible and make a choice of what she would prefer to do. Which would give her and her brother the more bang for the buck? I think she should choose between giving the hundred dollars, and not going to the birthday, but having him come out for Thanksgiving, or skipping on Thanksgiving, and going for his birthday.

It might be best if she gives him the money for his birthday, and has him come out to visit you two for the holiday. That way you can get to know him better and maybe develop a relationship with him too. He is your brother-in-law after all, and as such developing a sense of family is important to the health of your marriage. Your wife obviously loves her younger brother deeply, and you could either be her hero by encouraging her relationship with her sibling, or become a resentment for interfering in that relationship.

Do you resent her love for her little brother? Is there some level of jealousy on your part that she has such a profound bond with anyone other than you? These are just thoughts you may want to consider because how you deal with not only this situation but future dealings with your wife's family is critical. She is entitled to her family, just as you are entitled to your family. If she is closer to her family than you are to your own, that isn't something she should be punished for. Rather, you should be happy and pleased for her that she has that level of love and commitment in her life. Life is hard enough as it is, and having extended family is important. Your and her children will one day benefit hugely from the extended family relationships.

If it is only a matter of being able to afford both trips, then sure, she needs to be responsible and take that limitation into consideration. If the financial limitation isn't there, she still needs to consider putting money aside for your retirements. Just because you both may earn more than you spend each month does not mean that it is "extra" money. However, at the same time, life is for living, and not just looking towards the future. We must take enjoyment our of our presence too, and put aside for our futures.

Consider this an expenditure towards your future children's best interests. Doesn't it sound good that they will have such a loving uncle? Children need and deserve all the love they can receive in life, and the benefits far outweigh any negativity or discomfort from having the in-law visiting.

Anyway, it is up to you how you wish to handle this. I just hope one day you do not regret taking too harsh of a stance today.

Good luck and please have a nice day.

BTW, after reading some responses I think some people are a tad confused on what it means to be married. Whether or not she has an outside paying job is a moot point. Whatever assets the marriage has are marital assets that belong to the couple as a whole. It is wrong to say that if she does not work outside of the home that her needs should not be taken into consideration. That is ridiculous in my opinion. It would also be a huge misstep on your part if you were to ever suggest that she counts less in the marriage simply because she may not work an outside job. A wife and mother works 24/7, there isn't a quitting time, or a clock in time, and no 16 hours in between work shift to do whatever she pleases. Add an outside job to that and she is far over worked in my opinion. It is difficult these days for a couple to not both have jobs. But the simple truth of the matter is that children do better when at least one parent is at home all the time. Regardless of how many women will scream at me for saying so, deep down the majority of them know what it feels like to be torn between an outside job, putting children into daycare, or wanting to be home with their babies. There will be a few who truly would rather be at work, and it is OK for the man to stay at home if he chose in that situation. He would be no less a member of the marriage and marital assets than a woman in that position. Come on, get with reality here folks, she is not less important if she doesn't have an outside job!

Answer 22

your wife is a very nice person. she is close with her brother, she has bond with her family, this is good. do not get stingy with money, it is not good for a man. let her invite her brother. this is just money

Answer 23

Give him the plane ticket and forget about the money or vice versa.  Both is too much.

Answer 24

Yes, she is being way crazy unreasonable about this.  Unless you are the Trumps, then I'd not be footing his bill to fly out to see you for Thanksgiving.  If you have the money to fly her out for his Bday then great.  I, of course, would ask her what she is planning for his 21st Bday, which is much bigger than 18.