Please help me understand this (adoptee searching vs not searching)?

Question

Off and on there have been different pointed questions/answers on this forum relating to adoptees who want to search and who do not want to search. There seems to be a lot of venom here and as a non-adoptee, I'm trying to understand this.

There are certain adoptees who state that they have no desire to search or to have a reunion with their first families and sometimes, they attack those adoptees who do wish to search or have had a reunion. The "you're angry and bitter, get over it", "most reunion searches end badly", etc, comments.

On the other side, there are some adoptees who wish to search or have had a reunion and they seem to be attacking the adoptees who say that they have no desire to search, "there's something wrong with you if you don't want to know where you came from." "you're in denial/in a fog".

I just can't quite get why this must be an "either, or" situation. Isn't it enough that everyone has their own unique perceptions and experiences and leave it at that?

Why can't adoptees who don't want to search simply accept that some adoptees do? Why can't adoptees who want/have search(ed) simply accept that some adoptees don't?

Answer 1

There have been adoptees on here who I believe when they say they 'have no interest'.

It's the ones who tend to protest TOO much, use inflammatory words and trigger phrases that put themselves out there in numerous questions AND answers, almost like they want to be challenged.  

Here's an example: "Why would I ever want to know the woman who gave birth to me, she CHOSE to give me up, why would I want to know her know?!  You don't pick up on this, because you've never felt it, not having been adopted.  But that is a person in pain.  That is someone who is flirting with search.  They're really saying: "Please give me a good reason to DO it!"

I've known several adoptees like this, I empathize with their feelings--I have felt them, too.  But when they invent several personas/screen names to mock adoptees who had the incredible courage to search for their families against support or approval from society, I lose patience and sympathy for them.

Answer 2

In all honesty, I really have no concern whatsoever about whether or not someone else wants to search.  If someone does want to search and I can help out with ideas, tips and such, I am happy to do so.  

I am, however, taken about when people insult and attempt to discourage those who are asking about searching.  I certainly do not appreciate it when people imply, or outright state, that there is something defective about persons who choose to search.

I think search is a personal choice.  I don't find either choice to be the sign of any sort of defect.  However, when someone vehemently voices hatred toward his or her first parents and uses this hatred to bash and discourage other adopted citizens, I find myself quite appalled.  There is no need for such behaviour.  

Answer 3

I don't care who searched or doesn't search.  It's none of my business.  I don't judge.

Answer 4

Emotional intelligence.

Some people have buried their feelings,fears and emotions so deeply they fear addressing them.

Some people have had their Aps either tell them or subconsciously manipulate them into thinking that they were abandoned or were not loved enough by their nparents.

Some people are fearless when it comes to addressing feelings and emotions others a petrified by them.

I do think some Aps get on here and pretend to be adoptees out of fear of losing the love of their a-child.

I would doubt nmoms would do it for the sole reason they have suffered enough.

Jen, no matter what a-parents wants to feel,know, or comprehend. Only adoptee's will ever know what another adoptee feels.

This is something I've come to learn myself and I'm a hard one to shock.

Answer 5

Jennifer...  I, for one, accept that some adoptees don't want to engage in an external search...  But I take great offense to those who want to label me (and others) as some how psychologically defective for wanting to search.  I've never told someone they ought to search who didn't want to.  But when someone comes on (today, for the first time ever) and begins ranting and raving about how biological parents have no business searching, and how adoptees who search are bad, I think there is good reason to wonder about this person.  It makes me think they are either not an adoptee and just trying to stir up trouble, or they have deep issues.  

Every adoptee searches, whether internally or externally.  They have to decide, for themselves, how to fit their adoption into their identity.  That means coming to grips with their biological parents and what they mean in their lives.  That doesn't always lead to a search, but it does require an integration of these different ideas into a complete person.  This meaning (and, in some ways, the most important meaning of "search") is often passed over in these discussions.

Answer 6

I know what you mean... I personally am the middle of the road myself.  I have a desire to search, but I know people who don't and I am okay with that.  I personally think that people who believe that adoption  has ruined their life need to stop being victims, and people who think adoption hasn't influenced they way they think or feel even minutely are fooling themselves.  That being said, I don't believe that most adoptees fall into either of those categories, and shouldn't be judged about their adoption experience or whether they want a reunion or not.

Answer 7

It should be up to the person if they decide to search or not. For those who decide to search I think it's because they have many unanswered questions. For others (like myself) I had been given all the information about my bio's that I needed to answer my questions. So I have never felt the desire to search. I have no problem with those to feel the need to search. But on the other hand they should not have a problem with those who decide not to search. It is a personal choice that can only be made by that person. People need to accept and respect each individuals choice.

Answer 8

I understand those that want to find the birth parents as they should. It is good and NATURAL to know and therefore it is a given. For the majority of the population they already know their lineage. And who, Grandmother is and they can SEE where their red hair, big nose and little feet, etc.etc.

I agree if you want to know then take the steps to find out. The people that are making ugly statements are ignorant of the world beyond their nose.

Their ugly statements are just that -- that is the state of their mind also.  

Answer 9

It is your buisness if you want to search or not search. Just remember you really don't know what to expect when you start your search. Sometimes it is not a Happy Ending, and sometimes it IS a Happy Ending.

Answer 10

We adoptees all try to adapt and embrace out situations as best we can.  

We all hope for and work hard at making our adoption families a success.  

We want to love our adoptive parents and we want their love and we don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.  We especially don't consider searching because that would be a dagger to the adoptive parents hearts.

In that effort, we swallow any discontent, or alienation, or confusion about our identity.  We do this because we know how it feels to be rejected, and we don't want our parents to feel this feeling. We tend to care deeply about the feelings of everyone around us, and we table our own feelings because we are grateful to them for what they did for us.  We tell ourselves the search would be impossible and heartbreaking.  We become against searches.

This takes a lot of energy, putting other people's interests first and denying any perfectly natural questions you might have about your origins. If you're working very hard to believe that adoption is a beautiful thing and other adoptees are telling you that it is ugly, then you have to defend your efforts.  You have to hold onto those beliefs at all cost, because to acknowledge any of those dark elements will undermine your efforts.  And possibly destroy peace in your family.  It's like a house of cards - one little insecure thought, one moment of weakness, can bring the whole house down.  And you can't risk that.  So instead, you become the staunchest defender of adoption and against all things, like searching for birth mothers, that might detract from that comforting path of strength and righteousness.

I was one of these adoptees for forty years.  Even though I was abused for much of my childhood, I still wanted to believe that adoption was a beautiful thing and that I was just unlucky.  It wasn't until after my parents died, and freed of having to worry about hurting their feelings that I began to think hard about all the emotional needs of my own that I had denied.  Now I realize that precious time was lost, and my chances of filling in the blanks have possibly blown away.

Adoptees that confront other adoptees about their dismissal of the complexities and realities of adoption, or the need to find out the beginning of their story, press hard because they want to spare other adoptees of this fate.  We've all been accessory to promoting adoption.  But that comes at  a cost we don't realize until much later in life.  We feel it is only a matter of time before adoptees begin to champion their own emotions and investigate their origins.  Even those with happy childhoods and amazing adoptive parents seem to eventually come to this place where they want to fill in the missing holes.  

It is a big brave step to do this.  And it meets its greatest resistance from other adoptees, at a different earlier places in their evolution.  

This is why there is so much intolerance for searching.  We have an intractable, idealistic side who are dug in because their life as they know it depends upon it.  And we have a frustrated side who wants to tear down idealism, because facing the hard realities are the only way to uncover the truth of their identities.