Please help me with my 8 year old and 4 year old boys, i need discipline help!?

Question

hi there.

i am a single mum with 2 boys, and have always been strict but fair.

The problem is that since finishing college(last Friday) and starting work (last Monday), i have just lost all control!

I know that when i get home, i am really tired etc, and have found myself saying things like "if you dont go to sleep in 5 mins, you will be grounded for a week", but not carrying through with the grounding...

Can you please help me get myself together!? I am sure that when i get into the routiene of work etc, it will get better, but my children are totally taking advantage of me..LOL!

Answer 1

I feel for your situation, but you also need to look at the situation from your childrens point of view.  You finished college then just afew days later you started a new job. Presumably your hours are different.  Their routine is therefore different.  Mummy is more tired than usual and is probably a little less patient because she is tired.  The children then react to this.  They want your attention.  You have been at work all day.  It is natural that they want to spend time wth you when you come home.  I'm affraid that since you are a mum it is their feelings that you have to put first.  You are tired, but they STILL come first.  You do not say what time is there bed time.  Is it realistic or are they needing to go to bed because YOU are tired and want to relaxe rather than because they are?  

So set a realistic bed time.  

Have a proper bed time routine i.e. Bath, time to talk about the days events, bed time story.  You need to stick to this no matter how tired you are.  If you stick to it so will they.  Even if it takes a few nights (or weeks) for everyone to get used to it.  

How can you tell a child 'if you don't go to sleep in 5 minutes you are grounded'??  You cannot make a child sleep!  I could not sleep on demand.  People sleep if they are tired enough to do so.  full stop.  Children are people, not robots.  So you are setting a very unreasonable expectation and something that is potentially impossible for them to achieve.  You could ask them to stay in bed and lay down quietly.  That is a reasonable expectation.  How about you read them a bed time story, then you leave some music playing for them to listen to or a story cassette.  I used to do this with my son when he couldn't sleep.  He fell asleep eventually.  Most importantly he stayed in bed listening to it.    

Never make threats of punishment if you are not prepared to follow it through.  NEVER!  

Don't threaten punishment, offer rewards for good behaviour i.e. instead of - 'If you don't go to sleep you are grounded'.  You say: If you stay in bed I will give you sweets tomorrow/play your favourite game/give extra TV time (whatever suits you and them).  It works much better.  ALWAYS find a positive rather than use a negative response.

Do not punish children because you are tired and cannot cope at the time.  It is not their fault that you have a new job and are tired and finding it hard to cope.

Finally the most important thing of all is to be consistent.  

Good luck

Answer 2

I've always said boys need firmer action or you lose all control. They only understand pain. Short and sharp stuff. Pull them off their fave TV shows just when it gets interesting and remind them why. ,EG , "yesterday you did not eat up your greens so this show has been stopped for you, go to your room!"

They soon get the message.

Answer 3

Hi,

It is hard being a single mother especially when you working, studying and coming home tired and having to get teas ready, clothes washed, house tided, boys bathed and in bed!

It hard when you haven't got a partner there to support you but you can do it.

Do a reward chart - tell the boys that if they...

1) Help mummy in tidying away toys and their rooms

2) Play nicely together

3) Go to bed at bedtime

add more if you feel you need too

Tell boys that if they earn 5 stars in the week then at weekend they earn a trip out to cinema, favourite magazine or dvd ect ...

Tell them they big boys now and they need to help mummy in looking after the house and making it a nice place.

If the boys continue to disobey you then you need to carry out the discipline you dish them as by giving in, you just teaching them that it ok to be naughty and mummy gives in anyhow.

First give them a warning

Then if they still don't respond then you place them in time out or you can even get clear boxes and put sticker on it with their names. Then if they silly they get their favourite toy consifitated until they can prove to mummy they can be good little boys.

Also with the schools out they probably bored and need to burn off energy so take them on long walks or play in garden. If garden looking messy then have a day where you all work together in cleaning it out - the kids will love it

All the best!

Lx

Answer 4

put them over your knee and show them who is boss.

Answer 5

When you have time (maybe a break at work), make a list of the behaviors you are tired of, and list an appropriate consequence for each. Sit down with your boys and explain it all. List a set of general house rules and don't forget about natural consequences. If my daughter gives me a hard time about homework, fine, don't do it. Her teacher will make her sit in the class during lunch and do her homework (most kids lose recess, but she's autistic and that would hurt the teacher more than my daughter during the afternoon).

Some of my specific rules (keep in mind, both of my kids are "high finctioning" special needs, but they're 7 and almost 4).

#1- Not a single bit of aggression. That earns you a double time out (so 6.5 and 14 minutes).

#2- Keep your things clean and put away. Consequence- I will "accidently" step on them, or in my daughter's case if her brother takes it, she's out of luck.

#3- Get YOURSELF ready for bed. I have 4 picture schedules in the bathroom, one for morning and one night for both kids. They go to the kitchen first for meds (for allergies and reflux, not any behavior meds) Part of my daughter's routine is to put toothpaste on her brother's toothbrush. My son sleeps naked because he can't dress himself (he DOES have his own room for anyone thinking this is bad). My son goes to bed between 7-8, but it will be a set time once school starts. He's allowed to get up once to use the bathroom. My daughter goes to bed during the summer at 9, and that means, leave me alone. I need my time too. You can't fall asleep, close your eyes longer. They are allowed to play a quiet game or read IN BED. If they mess around while getting ready for bed, we will not read, and I take your favorite in bed toys.

(I have a lot more, but just some examples)

Some chores

For my 7 year old daughter- Keep your room neat, feed the ferrets and give them fresh water, put away dishes in the drainboard, play one game per day with your brother following ALL of his rules, practice violin, clear the table after meals, clean the bathroom- which includes the toilet, sink, organizing toys, sweep and mop. These are just a few. Again, keep in mind she's autistic, so EVERYTHING is listed as a picture schedule, so it seems like a lot.

For my son- keep your room neat, vacuum everyday, set the table for meals, play a game with your sister following her rules, strip your bed if wet (he refuses pull ups, but doesn't wet every night), pick out clothes (everything is hung in outfits), put on your own underwear, check calandar for activities (all pictures).

My dramatic change came when my son screeched at me and I was in the wrong mood and slapped him. I was so scared of what I did, I made my list and rules. (I was also tired of being run over by a 3 year old and got close to losing it with him. He is still the same, but I've learned how to better deal with it by always following through with exactly what I said).

My biggest piece of advice is to NEVER threaten with a consequence that will hurt YOU more than the child and you won't follow through with.

Answer 6

Well, first of all, I want to congratulate you on finishing college and getting a job :)

Now, onto the kids.

Sit down together and set some ground rules. Such as:

1. Listen

2. Obey

3. If you don't obey, accept your consequences

4. Don't hit, kick, etc.

And so on.

Then talk about consequences.

Like:

1. Not listening or obeying = favorite thing taken away for x days

2. Kicking and hitting = grounded until mom says okay

3. Not accepting consequences = favorite thing taken away for x days and grounded until mom says okay.

And so on.

Good luck, and remember, always FOLLOW THROUGH!

Answer 7

well basically your biggest problem is not being able to follow thru with your threats. if say tht they are going to be grounded for a week then make sure tht they r! otherwise they r just gunna take advatage of u! i'm saying this as a 14yr old myself!

Answer 8

gosh... i have two cousins ard dat same age gap too- first things first, show them that whatever u say makes impact. Even if you are tired aftr a long day at work, let them know you as an authoritative figure n at the same time, is able to care and nurture them as well too.

Answer 9

take away their toys

do a reward chart if they are so good for a week take them to see batman or let them get a ps2 game for their ps2 etc

Answer 10

You just need to be consistent, I would threaten them with punishment if you aren't going to follow through.

It's tough but if you are consistent they will know what is expected of them and what the consequences are if they don't do as told.

Answer 11

"Patience is a virture..."  It's too early to make hard, fast judgements.  At this point, just keep up the consistancy and you'll eventually win the game.  

     Children are always testing boundaries and will constantly push to see what they can get away if.  If you drop your defenses/stance they will run with it.  

    Instead of arguing about bed time, turn the tv off, take away the game, put away the toy and march them off to get ready for bed.  No discussing, no trade offs.  Eventually, they'll get the hint.

Answer 12

Try smaller punishments, and stick to them, persevere and do use realistic punishments i.e if you don't go to sleep in x minutes you will loose favourite toy tomorrow.

I am sure once things with work settle and you "get into the swing of things" it'll be better.

Good luck with the job.

Answer 13

it's cause they no mom is busy for the moment. when ur not payin that close attention like mormaly they tend to things to get it back...my kids do it to. im also in school im 30 wit 4 boys an a 16 yr old daughter, so u no i no wat ur sayin. just start now wit ur schedule for the things u want an expect of them an things should get better..

good luck

Answer 14

keep them entertained for example, if they wont get to bed when they're told, say whoever gets into bed first gets sweets tomorrow or something lol!.

it might work :)