Please help me with this!?

Question

heres the question:

How have your past experiences influenced your academic record?

Past experiences have greatly influenced my academic record. I am a very hardworking student and I always strive to do my best in everything I do. Academics have always come first for me, I truly and honestly love to learn, and if I was not able to learn I would be devastated. In my sophomore year of high school, that is just what happened. I was not able to go to learn, because of something that happened to me at school. It was lab day in my chemistry class. My partner asked me to go get a beaker, and on my way back I was tripped by another student and hit my head on a desk, and then the floor. I have no memory of this incident, in fact, I have little memory of two months after the accident. Apparently, I blacked out and help was on the way. It was like I was knocked back in time. I did not recognize my best friend, George Washington was the president, and Cinderella was my hero. I had post-traumatic amnesia, with a mixture of anterograde and retrograde amnesia. This means that new events were not transferred to long-term memory, and I was unable to recall some events from my past. No longer were my days filled with chemistry and history homework, but they were spent at the doctors office getting CAT scans and MRI's. I had chronic headaches and was extremely sensitive to light. There was no way I could go to school. Most of the time I sat in the dark, holding my head, I often asked my dad why it was hurting me so much. Everyday I begged my dad to go to school, but the answer was always no. I had a hard time doing simple mathematics, my family worried I would never be the same. Slowly, I relearned things from my life. My dad finally let me go back to school, but I didn't stay long. It was too loud and too bright, I had chronic headaches again. My dad would come and pick me up after a half hour or so of school. Eventually, I got an intravenous infusion to put fluid in my brain, which ultimately made my headaches less extreme. I finally was spending a full day at school two months after the accident. I had to relearn some things, but I finally got my full memory back. In the end, I received pass/fail grades instead of letter grades due to the excessive amount of school I missed. All in all, having amnesia had a vast influence on my academic record.

Any mistakes?Anything I should change? And what else should I add into the end? I can't leave it like that.

Answer 1

You need to address how you are functioning today.  Are you fully recovered?  Are there lingering issues and if so how will they effect your work in college?

Answer 2

First, I can only imagine how tough that would be to deal with.

I think the middle part is a bit wordy, and somewhat repetitive.

You can more briefly summarize what happened and its effects, but you should devote more time to how you recovered. As it is, you only devote about two sentences to how you "had to relearn some things." That's probably the more interesting part, with perhaps the stronger story, how you experienced the unexpected, a tough obstacle, and you recovered from it.

Describe in more detail how you got your memory back. What it was like to have to relearn things you used to know. That would show your strength, your ability to deal with what you went through. In other words, focus more on the positive, how this changed you.

And I think you could do without the first two sentences.  

Answer 3

Is this a letter for college admission?  If so I'd add to it your current health state.  Do you have any grades other than p/f after you returned to school?  Did you (or will you) take the SAT/ACT?  If so emphasis the present, how you are doing academically now.  That will be the focus.  Apply not only to 4 year schools, but consider a community college so you can produce a GPA record, then transfer.  I had a student that fell, and was knocked out.  She lost a week of her life during my class.  I am very aware of anterograde and retrograde amnesia.  They will understand.  Good luck to you!  (college prof)