Please help...what to say when contacting her for the first time?

Question

im planning on meeting my birth mother in october. i will be eighteen & her information will be given to me in order to contact her. i dont know how i should do it. do people normally call as the first form of contact? if so, what would i say to her? i know alot of other people have already gone through this, so how did you do it? i dont think i could write a letter because im too impatient to wait for a response. i want to meet her as soon as possible. please help, especially adoptees that have been reunited with their b-moms. thanks:)

Answer 1

I just wanted to say good luck!  Heather's very practical guide to first contact is awesome!

Answer 2

I was adopted in Western NY at three months old. So were my sister and brother.

I decided to look up my Bio-Family when I was 35. Under NY law you can only receive info about your Bio-Parents if they want to be found via a signed waiver. My Bio-Mom had signed that waiver when I was 2 years old. I contacted the Hospital I was adopted from and filled out the necessary paperwork and received all the non-identifying info in about two weeks (medical info, ethnic background, etc...) then signed another form to make contact. I had my Bio-Mom's Name and address in about ten days.

I called her that night and asked if I was speaking to 'Jane Doe'. She said I was. I then asked if she had given up a baby for adoption in 1964. She had and I asked her my birth date. She had that right so I told her who I was and she was thrilled. I couldn't get her to stop crying. SHe had been looking for me for years, had hired a P.I. and was attending a support group for parents who had given up children for adoption. I was glad she was happy. My wife and I flew to Texas to meet her.

Then everything went to h**l. She had gotten pregnant with me when she was 13, put me up for adoption and then got pregnant again by the same guy a few months later. Her 2nd child was a boy but he died at 8 months from major birth defects. She married my Bio-Dad before she finished High School but they went to different schools and he was a heavy drinker and an all around jerk. They had one more child. My Bio-Sister is 5 years younger than I am. Then Bio-Dad skipped out on them. He was a deadbeat. He has a 10 year old grandaughter that he has never met. He has been married 2 more times and I have 2 half-brothers by him. Once he leaves a marriage he ignores his kids too.

So I meet my Bio-Mom and Bio-Sis and at first they seemed fine. They both have successful businesses but are both fickle when it comes to relationships and politics. They are both rabid feminists and are far left loons. I'm not just talking Liberal here, I mean FAR Left. Partial Birth abortions are fine with them (although neither had ever had an abortion), they hate men and only look at them as sperm donors, my Niece is so spoiled that it makes me want to puke. The only contact I have with them is Christmas and Birthday cards. In hindsight I should have stopped with the non-identifying info.

I did meet my Bio-Aunt, Bio-Uncles and Bio-Cousins. They still live in Western NY. They were loons too except for one of my Uncles.

I guess the whole thing wasn't really worth the trouble but I do know one thing. I am so happy I was adopted and have a greater appreciation for my Mom and Dad.

Be careful what you wish for.

Email me if you want more info.

Answer 3

If you are in the UK you can use an intermediary service like Norcap or, if you prefer you can contact her directly.

I called.    I didn't want a letter to fall into the wrong hands and, as you say, the wait for a response can be excruciating.

When I called I wrote down much of what I wanted to say, which was a good thing because when she whispered my name I went speechless.  Once she realised who I was I didn't really have to say much else and we spoke for over 2 hours.

I'd say call.  It will be the hardest call to make, but I feel that is the best way to make initial contact.

Here are some guidance notes for you:

http://www.adopteesearch.info/contact.ht...

Do NOT reveal anything, to a third party.



Its between you and the (birthparent) party you want to reach.

  It is not good to talk to

a third party and have them break the news ever. Never confide in who you think can be part of the family. Use your adopted name, when calling.

1) if this is a relative of the person you are trying to call,

Hello, my name is xxxxxxxx.,  I am working on genealogy on

the name of xxxxxxxx.

Do you know  xxxxxx, of xxxxx(city, st.)  age(xx)  ?

pause......... and see what they say.

If they say they don't know that person, say thank you,

and that is it.  No explanations ever.

If they say, oh yes that is my sister in law, what is this all

about, "I would like to speak with them."

Or you could say " she is a friend of my mothers, and I was

having a party and I wanted to invite her.

See if they then give you the phone number.  If not,

just say " oh would you please give her my number, to call me.

They might reveal her married name, so be prepared to write down anything they say.  they might reveal where she lives,

Oh she doesnt' live here she moved to xxxxxxxx, back in xxxx.      

So you might be able to track the person that way.

**************************************...



If you think you have the phone number of the person ,

ie b/parent you are trying to reach,

1) Hi, my name is xxxxxx, I was looking for xxxxxxx?

(if its not xxxxx), then do not say what this is about.

Just indicate you wish to speak to xxxx.



If it turns out to be the person you think you were

trying to call, then ask certain questions,



Is this a good time to talk?,



Is this xxxxxx, of city, state,  born in  Month, day, 19xx,  

if they say yes, then ask them, (if it differs from where you were born, )

Did you live in xxxxxx, (city, st.) 19xx.?

pause and see what they say,.......................

If they say yes, (by now they might say" what is this all about"

Say " I think we maybe related.



Does xx/xx/xx mean anything to you?



Give them a chance to process what you are asking them,..... pause

a little after the questions, so they can speak if they want to

share information. Always take notes.

Write this script down, write down what exactly the questions are,

in the right order.



As they say yes, to more identifying info, you can

be more sure you have the right person. Knowing these things, and then at the end she might deny being related to you. (you then will know if she is really your mother) even though she denies it.  

Practice the script so it

flows a bit, and then make the call.



Remember to write a script, Practice it, and makes sure it flows okay.

You can always fine tune it, to work for who you need to call.

Answer 4

I can't IMAGINE why APs with children in CLOSED adoptions are answering this, but everything seems to be their business.

Anyway, chances are you will probably NOT be rejected.  And I think it's such a healthy response to search to find out who you are, where you came from, etc.  

It has been an emotional ride for me, but overall it has been profoundly gratifying to me to know my history, my people, and have a relationship with my mother for over 20 years.

Listen to Heather.  She has given you great advice!  And we would love to have you come see us at:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Good luck, and I admire your courage!

xx

Answer 5

You'll probably get the information to begin looking for her.  You'll have to find her then, and often times, it's not easy, because many have changed their name through marriage.

Be prepared to be rejected.  It can happen, but hopefully not.  Also, when you call her on the phone, ask her, "Is this a good time to talk openly, or do you have something around you where you can't?"  Sometimes, some mother haven't told their husbands, and their other children (your brothers and sisters).  Good luck!

Answer 6

That was a good answer Heather.  I saved that for reference if my child ever wants to contact his mother.