Please help with my poem (said please)?

Question

Thee stress is building

The anger is burning

The urge to explode

The need to let go

The hope of tomorrow

The fear of today

Wishing my memories

Could all fade away

Thats my first stanza can you rate/comment on how to make it better?

Thanks.

Answer 1

It would sound better if you didn't start every line with "the"

Other than that, it is pretty good.

Answer 2

Sounds complete to me, good, dont mess it up with extra verses.

Answer 3

I have to say the rhythm in this stanza is moving... the words appear well chosen and the very sound of it makes it attractive.  Let us see the finished poem!

Answer 4

i personally think its good and i know ive felt like that dozens of times. i think people could really relate to it.

Answer 5

You have a negative theme going on in this first stanza of yours which is very intense. However, you throw in one or two words that conflict.  I can see a second stanza easing up your feelings/attitude - but again in a second (or following) stanza only. To further express your anxiety, I think it is important, especially in your opening stanza, to keep to your rage.

So in order to maintain one theme only in this first stanza, I recommend your changing the line "The hope of tomorrow" to "The threat of tomorrow" ~ OR ~ "The uncertainty of tomorrow"

AND ALSO:

Change "Wishing my memories" to "Praying my nightmares".

The word "hope" is a bit incongruous the with the anxious feelings you are describing.  

You can hope for relief in the second or any other stanzas that follow and build on that theme of salvation.

And, the word "memories" to me suggests happy thoughts; therefore the use of "nightmares" continues to support your fear.

Answer 6

You are free to hate me. You don't have to listen to me. Don't be worried that I'm right, I'm just a ten year old kid who loves to write.

OK, like someone said, similes or metaphors might do you good in this situation.

Also, I think the sudden rhyme at the end it kind of strange. I like the poem though, full of feeling.

Here is my revision with similes and other:

The stress is building like a cumulonimbus,

The anger is burning like the fires of h**l,

The urge to explode is like a volcanic eruption,

The need to let go is pulling my fingers from the edge,

one

by

one.

The hope of tomorrow and the

fear of today

forces me to run,

Wishing my memories

Could fade like my reflection over a fog-covered lake.

With hyperbole:

The stress is building higher than the pollution Mother Earth suffers,

The anger is burning hotter than the fires of h**l,

The urge to explode is greater than the force of a volcanic eruption,

The need to let go is stronger than the gravity that stops me from flying.

The hope of tomorrow and the

fear of today

forces me to run,

Wishing my memories

Could fade like my reflection over a fog-covered lake,

could disappear like Houdini from an iron prison.

Answer 7

Add some words at the end of the lines that are not as common.

Answer 8

Expressions of feelings are hard to "make better".

They're usually most effective when plainly stated, as you've done.

... if you wanted to, you could make comparisons...

"The stress is building LIKE..."

"The anger is burning AS IF..."

... things that would express the intensity of the emotions.

It's not bad how it is, though.

It's up to you whether or not it's complete.