Please let me know what you think?

Question

Do you think that if a young teenage mother gives her child up for adoption because there is noone to help her, she herself grew up into foster care and was on her own, with her baby was it wrong for her to give the baby up? She was by herself and noone showed her anything about medicade, foodstamps , help with daycare if she was old enough to work, and all that other stuff? Do you think that he would still love her, and want to meet her? because she thinks of him everyday, and wishes she could go back , and change things thats she know now? please let me know what you think?

Answer 1

I went through a lot of emotions when I was younger, from being angry at her, missing her terribly, thinking it didn't matter that she wasn't around, being happy I was adopted...I ran the full spectrum. Now I look back and I know I always missed her and wanted to know her. Just because I was angry sometimes (and honestly I still am sometimes) it doesn't mean I don't love her and don't wish I had a good relationship with her. Its just my way of sorting out my feelings and coming to terms with everything.

While I would have encouraged you to parent your child back then, I can understand why you felt you needed to relinquish and I certainly don't judge you for it. Don't feel like just because you made a choice you regret that it means you don't deserve to know your son. If you were my mother, I would've desperately wanted to know you, regardless of what emotion I was experiencing at the time. Sure, not all adoptees are like me, but many are. Don't punish yourself, you're not a bad person. I can feel the pain in your words and I just want to hug you and tell you its all okay. You are a good person who was in a bad situation and unfortunately you didn't have the proper support. I'm sure your son will understand, even if he also has a wide range of emotions that he needs to sort through like I did.

Do you know other mothers of origin that you can talk to? It may help you to talk to others who have experienced this and know you are not alone. Try http://www.origins-usa.org or http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.ph... for some support from those you have walked in your shoes.

Answer 2

Your child may very well come to meet you someday.  He will be happy with his life - adopted children usually are.  His adoptive parents will have taken good care of him throughout his childhood.  He will understand the reasons you sent him to live with parents that could provide so much more than you could have at that time.  Medicaid and foodstamps would not have given you and he the start needed in life.

Answer 3

Of course I don't think it was wrong. If you were uneducated about child-care and such then you really had no choice. I think you knew that the baby deserved better. I can't speak for your son but I think he'll always love you. You gave him life and even though you couldn't provide everything he needed you helped him to a home where he could be better cared for. I'm so sorry. If you need someone to talk to about this please feel free to email me! [e-mail]

xXo

Answer 4

In a situation in which a teenager is not prepared for the obligations of motherhood, it is absolutely the right and responsible and loving thing to place her child in an adoptive family.   Write your son/daughter a letter for them to read when they are old enough, explaining that you acted out of love.

Answer 5

I think he would want to meet her. I was adopted and from my perspective I would love to meet my birth mother. I have tried looking but have had no luck in finding her. It sounds to me like you are a very caring person, you gave up your son so he could have a better life. It takes a strong person to make that decision. If you know where he is start with a letter, I am willing to bet that he will write you back. He is probably thinking of you as well. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Those circumstances happen to so many young mothers,it is a sad and shameful thing when not a soul will speak up and let you know there  are alternatives to surrendering your child. I can't say it was wrong who am I to judge? But I can say every single mother I know has the same exact feeling, wishes she could change what happened, wonders, aches for her baby to hold, cries, grieves even when the grief is unresolvable because no one acknowledges her pain. Our children suffer too, they lost their whole world when they lost us. My daughter loves me, she found me three years ago, I was searching for her too. We now have a very loving relationship. But it has taken a lot of work to make it that way. You need to prepare for anything that may come from reunion, including anger, and rage. There are many support groups for mothers, and there are some for adoptees as well. Check out Adoptioncrossroads.org, there is a nightly chat for mothers and adoptees as well as many links to other resources. Origins-USA is another resource. I am a member of the Board of Directors and we do have alot of material on our website that you may find useful. Feel free to e-mail me privately about this. Remember to, that searching is not illegal, we can find our children and if anyone tells you differently they are wrong.

[e-mail]

Answer 7

I think that is a plausible explanation, I guess if I was adopted I would want to know why my birth mother signed away her rights.  I believe all deeds deserve forgiveness, it is if we can find it in our hearts or not that determines the outcome!

Answer 8

You would be doing the right, loving, thing. You are still a  teen, and deserve to get yourself sorted out, educated, get a  nice job, and eventually, a nice husband.  THEN would be the  time to start a family. Having a little  baby around would hamper that.  If you check the statistics you will see that most single mom families live in poverty. The thing that  is not  usually mentioned is the stress, spelled STRESS in all caps! of raising a child by yourself.

It doesn't mean you don't  love your child,  it actually means you love him more than yourself. You are a  brave young woman.

As for finding you later, there are web sites where you can get registered, should someone want to find you.

Eighteen years is a  long time. Get going, girl! Become someone your boy will  be proud of. Keep your focus. Finish your education, get a career. Have faith; you will have a  wonderful life.

Answer 9

Your son may come looking for you and will probably understand.

Pray everyday for him, I know it helps.

My son found me because he has a wife that really wanted him to.

He was 33.  Wonderful young man.  I love him now as much as the day he was born.  Like I'm sure you feel about your son. I would die for him if need be.

I was young when I had my son too.

Answer 10

No one can replace his mother, and that is you.

I hope you get to meet him someday.

Try to take care of yourself in the meantime.

And listen to Mary.

Answer 11

I think this is sad. But I always believe everything happens for a reason. Regrets suck....but the old saying the grass is always greener on the other side would apply here. I'm sure your son will want to meet you when he's older and will understand you were young & couldn't provide for him. Best wishes!

Answer 12

I think that giving a child up for adoption is one of the greatest, most selfless acts of love anyone could ever do for their own child.  To be able to put aside your own emotions and your own feelings to do what's right for your child is the greatest kind of love.  

Just be there for her and let her know that [maybe] one day her child will come looking for her and she'll be able to look at her child and believe that she did the right thing.

Answer 13

I feel your pane, because i am also a foster child so just hang in there and i will to.

i have been in it since i was three.

Answer 14

Most children want to know their birth parents so I say yes he might. Explain they way you have in your question and I'm sure he will understand.  Try to be understanding if he isn't ready this might be hard from him.

Answer 15

You did what you felt was best for your child under the circumstances at the time.  That is definitely NOT wrong!  You loved your baby and wanted him to have what you weren't able to provide.  It's done now, so you can't change it, you have to look forward.  If your child was placed in a loving home, then hopefully they will tell him how much you love him to be able to do what you did.  Is there any chance of you having contact with him so you can tell him how much you think about him and love him?

Good luck!  You were NOT wrong to do what you did!  You were scared and unselfish!

Answer 16

The bond between the mother and baby starts inside the womb itself. Yes if the baby grows up he or she will look for his or her mother but the love and affection will not be the same. Morally it's wrong for you to give up your baby for adoption but for the baby's sake it is the only best thing to do.

Answer 17

I FEEL FOR YOU, I WENT THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION WHEN I WAS A TEEN, AND IT IS SOMETHING THAT I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN OVER, AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL. YOU JUST NEED TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT IT WAS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST, AND IT WAS PROBABLY NOT A EASY DECISION FOR YOU ALSO. IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE CONTACT ME AT [e-mail]