Please make me laugh!!! Please??? Jokes!?

Question

Tell me a joke please the best joke or if you make me laugh 10 points thanks.

Be appropriate please

Answer 1

Guy walks into a bar with a pile of dog c**p in his hand, and says, "look at what I almost stepped in".

Answer 2

A man calls his wife and says" baby, I hit the jackpot on the lottery, pack your bags, baby". His wife asks him, "should I pack for warm climate or cold"?, to which he replies, "who cares, I just want you gone when I get home!!!"

Answer 3

ok heres my story

2 friends where on a long hike for excercize reasons

when they stopped for a break,

one friend fell down coughing and she took a nap

the other friend didn't know she was taking a nap

she imeditatly called the 911

here was there conversation:

operator:this is 911 whats the emergency

friend:i think my friends dead!!!

operator:don't panic...first we have to make sure your friend is dead

friend:ok hold on.......*gun shot*...ok shes dead now what?

Answer 4

I have several jokes for you to look at (all offensive).

1. How is David Beckham like Ferrero Roche?

They both come in a posh box.

2. How do you confuse an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

3. How is a woman like a condom?

Because if shes not on your d**k shes in your wallet.

and finally

4. Why did the Newcastle girl put ice in her pants.

To keep her crabs fresh.

I did warn you.  

Answer 5

a blind man and his seeing eye dog go into a AM/PM  and he stops in the middle of the isle next thing you know he is swinging his dog in circles by his leash the owner of the store  hey what do you think your doing the blind man says just looking around.

Answer 6

i got some...

okay theres this guy in new york he wants a handjob so he heard this chick was the best so he is like ok,ok. he finds her at a bar and ask how much for a handjob, she says500 bucks.. and he say i dont know thats alot. so she takes him out side and she point to a viper car and says "see that car? i paid for it with all the handjobs i did" so he figures she must be good so he pays she does. it was the most amazing experinse for him. so he goes back but for a ********. so he finds her same spot again and ask for one. she say for a 1000bucks. he was all i dont know so she pulls him out side and points to a huge sky scraper and says "see that buliding, brought it with all the money i made for blowjobs." so he pays she does. best thing ever better than before. so now he wants the real thing. so he finds her and ask for s*x. she pulls him out side and points over to a island. she said "you see the island, i would of brought it with all the money i made for s*x if i was a woman.

there is a magic montain where you say what you want to be then jump  off and become it. so 3 friends go, the frist one is like "eagle"  jumps and becomes an eagle. the second friend say "hawk" jumps off and becomes an hawk. the 3rd friend was running but sliped and said "OH S**t"

dont be offended

whats faster than a mexican with a stolen t.v....his brother with the stolen v.c.r  

Answer 7

bill and ben were walking down the garden

bill falls down a hole, Ben runs over and shouts..

"BILL  IS IT DARK DOWN THERE??"

bill replys "I DONT KNOW I CANT SEE"!!

lol iv loved that one for years!

Answer 8

red my post!! you will laugh at least once i guarantee it!!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 9

A man walks into a bar and walks past a vending machine. The machine says to him "Eww! u stink and your ugly!"

They guy ignores it and gets himself a drink. On the counter theres a bowl of peanuts and they say to him, "Your s**y! and you smell good!"

The man tells the bartender, "The vending machine told me i stink and that im ugly, and the peanuts told me im s**y and i smell good wtf?"

and the bartender says, "Oh the vending machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentry"

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Answer 10

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Answer 11

Newsflash:

All Wal-Mart locations in the state of Alabama are sold out of ammunition when a customer is questioned 'Why are you buying

such a large amount of ammunition" he replied 'Them Russians might

be invading Georgia but they'll NEVER take Alabama'

Answer 12

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

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Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...

Matt: Steve, what are you doing?

Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.

Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number

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You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

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Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

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Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

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Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

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Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

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Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Answer 13

why did the blond write tgif on her shoes?

toes go in first

sorry thats all i got right know i may edit it later

Answer 14

A bus is driving some girls to an all girl catholic school. The bus crashes and some of the girls get out, but three die. Those three go to heaven. Peter asks them if the had touched a p***s. Amanda, the first girl, said, "Well, I did touch one." Peter says, "Very well, put your hand in the holy water and go in." The next girl goes up and Peter says, "Jennifer, have you-" At this point Emma breaks him off and says, "Petah, i wanna drink my holy water before Jenny sticks her asss in it!"

A man finds a genie lamp along the beach. The genie pops out and asks him what his three wishes are

1. A million dollors

POOF he gets a million dollars

2. A new Mercedes-Benz

POOF he gets a new Mercedes-Benz

3. Loved by all women

POOF he turns into a box of chocolates