Please please please comment my Chrisitian poem??!?

Question

ok, i have finally got over writers block!! Please comment my poem, the first verse is the devil speaking, then it is God, the the third is the devil, and the last is God again. I know some people may have religous views on this poem and might hate Christianity, please... i don't want to know!

Crosstalk

Considering every emotion I have laid down,

Trespassing every thought that I have swallowed.

Dissolving every smile into...

A concentrated frown,

Seeking every movement that I have followed.

Breathe! And let your love ripple,

Let it spread out into a dozen rings.

Grind the hatred it does cripple,

Soar like a...

Like a dove on eagles wings.

I'll feed your soul with the knowledge,

That I have moulded with bloody claws.

I'll tell you things that...

Things that no being could acknowledge,

If you let me drag your self-being over marble floors.

Oh, my children with skin so warm,

I delight in you, I delight in the fact that you walk...

That you think, that you move, that your heart beats!

I know you may follow the dead side of crosstalk,

I tell you as a Father to ignore.

Answer 1

Fair. Well thought of. But u neglected some poetic structures and versification. U r repeating som words and this doesnt sound too good. But overall, nice ting. For the relating the story you shud consider reading Milton's "Paradise Lost"....and for the structure maybe Wordsworth's "Tables Turned".

Answer 2

god isnt real

Answer 3

I love this poem so much it is really good. Your really good i think that you should get that one published

Answer 4

Don't let it get to you when people say negative things.  They probably didn't even read your poem.  If you say bad things back you are just meeting them on their juvenile level.

Answer 5

Putting theological differences aside, this work has some flaws to iron out before it can work properly.

L2 Trespassing every thought...doesn't work for me.

L8 Grind the hatred it does cripple..............Ungrammatical and awkward use of archaic sentence structure

L15  Self-being?

The last two lines feel contrived, unfinished.

The idea is sound and reminiscent of Dialogues with the Devil by Taylor Caldwell but it needs work.