Please rate my college intro essay?

Question

I remember putting on that flamboyant, old, dreadful dress. I couldn’t believe that I was going to wear this in front of an anticipated audience of one thousand people. Everyone was running from room to room, putting on their pale-colored pantyhose, red lipstick, hair worn half up and half down with a crown-like hat to make the dresses look tackier than they already were. I wanted to get out as fast as Regina Vollbrecht would in a marathon! It was until the rest of the girls and I were lined up behind the curtain that I felt sweet shivers run up my spine and the fervent sensations that would take over my body every time I heard the magical sounds of these instruments play.

Please give me as much criticism as you guys possibly can! lol.. i'm going to compare the dress to learning later in the essay and say how i've learned to love wearing the dress as well as learning and i want to continue wearing the dress as well as progressing in my education. PLease rate?! :D thank you all!!!

Answer 1

Lol, so short, common!

really push yourself hun, this is college!

Answer 2

Really good detail! The "running from room to room" sentence paints a good picture, but what I think would make it be even more vivid in peoples minds is adding a little bit more chaos in that particular sentence. If you can't think of more chaos, just add a pinch of colorful detail. Other than that it sounds awesome! Good luck, and I hope I helped.

Answer 3

There is nothing here. If this gets you in college standards must have fallen tremendously over the years.

Answer 4

An extended metaphor is always a smart thing to add.  Good job.

"I wanted to get out as fast as Regina Vollbrecht would in a marathon!" - this sounds a little bit awkward - you can think of something better.

"It was until the rest of the girls and I were lined up behind the curtain..." - I think it was supposed to be "It's wasn't until ..."

It's pretty good.

Good luck!