Please rate my poem, My Secret Shadow ?

Question

i wrote this in December 3, 2006. i remember i listened to colorblind by counting crows over and over while writing. what do you think? thanks !! :>

My Secret Shadow

Feels like the world is split into two;

Everything that's happening is light and dark.

In the day I conceal myself with a mask,

Hoping to be seen among others.

To be noticed just to not be alone,

My second face shows no sadness.

A face showing no emotions

Only a smile to show the world.

The eye sees that I am ordinary.

But when the sun begins to fade,

I return to where I belong while

There is little daylight left.

Darkness has finally set in,

A moon its only weakness.

My mask begins to fade

By the dimness of the closing minutes.

A tear drop of sadness,

Anger soon to take control.

I quickly turn on the lamp

To save my dying smile.

The stillness of the night triumphs

Until the dark is awakened by brightness.

Tonight, my only companion will be

My secret shadow.

Answer 1

Great start. Keep revising and this is a keeper. I enjoyed the sentiments and congrats on not attempting to force rhyming verse.

One critique:

"A face showing no emotions

Only a smile to show the world."

Here you have two conflicting lines that can be easily fixed by changing "no" to little. A smile is emotion.

rewrite as:

A face showing little emotion

Only a smile to show the world.

What do you think? Write on!

Answer 2

first off, its a little contradictory in the beginning. your focus turns to dark in the end, but its a little hazy in your first verse.

secondly, its repetitive. you use face and mask constantly. same for your ideas -- i understand that the smile is a fixture, but maybe focus less on the smile and more on the shadowed features. (or something like that)

and third, light appears randomly through out your poem. a little in the middle, some at the end. maybe you should start off with light and let it ebb away, instead of inserting it here and there.

i'd give it a 8/10. its really open and doesnt leave much to interpretation, but some readers like poetry like that.

er...and a comment to the poster below me. a smile doesnt have to be an emotion. its an expression. you can smile and have nothing behind it.

Answer 3

It sounds like he is trying to hide his true feelings from the people: sadness of something That person is lying to himself/herself. Nice poem.

Answer 4

I really liked it!! well done..... i loved the descriptive power of the different faces- thats something that i believe most people can relate to

:) Congrats

Answer 5

If you are going to have a poem without rhyme scheme, you have to really work on your structure and how well you present the poem. it is extremely hard to do. Try working on breaking the poem up more, more comma use etc. make sure you keep in meter and follow some sort of syllable count