Please rate my poem, it'll only be a quick moment !! ?

Question

i wrote this in june 4, 2007. if there are, please list any problems. if not, then let's bring along the comments

thanks !! ^_^

Hello.../...Goodbye to Us

So eloquent the beauty absorbed around you;

You uplifted me by your sweet aroma.

Oh, I'm very sorry to say,

That day in May caused a breath to pay.

You stole my heart away

And cured my parading heartache;

Only if I'd known what would have brought that day,

Then I'd have hidden and gone another time.

I felt plagued and wanted to die;

As a lover would take a shot for you, I'd dodge infinity for you.

Yet only a stranger we both were,

I'm here writing this letter swollen with a million tears of heavy cries.

Maybe it could have been fate that we unofficially met;

A destiny resulting in both loss and gain.

A second's glance is certain to be the catch,

Since here I stand alone in the rain.

A passive reflection of sorrow illuminates from the scar;

My heart begins to beat slowly in rhythm with my eyes.

The ticking of the clock abruptly stops;

"I know you're up there," I finally whisper

…….smile

Answer 1

I liked it a lot. The rhyme scheme isn't quite consistent, but it doesn't have to be. That's really the only thing I can think of to call your attention to, but it was beautiful. (:  

Answer 2

Dude thats friggin g!

for a chick right?

nice job & good luck

Answer 3

On a scale of 1-10 I would give you a 10. It was Excellent!

Answer 4

WHOAH THATS REALLY GOOD!

Answer 5

Hello.../...Goodbye to Us  

- Fine

So eloquent the beauty absorbed around you;

- Absorbed is a nonsense adjective here.

You uplifted me by your sweet aroma.

-You smell pretty? Lame.

Oh, I'm very sorry to say, That day in May caused a breath to pay.

- Alack, aday away I say nay nay 'tis bad rhyme, argh!

You stole my heart away - Argh, Argh!

And cured my parading heartache;

-Parading is a nonsense adjective here.

Only if I'd known what would have brought that day,

-Overlong line signifying nothing just to rhyme. What WHO or WHAT would have brought?

Then I'd have hidden and gone another time.

-I think we are just stringing words together, without meaning here.

I felt plagued and wanted to die;

- melodrama is not a substitute for art.

As a lover would take a shot for you, I'd dodge infinity for you.

- Dodge infinity is cute, skip the explanation in front

Yet only a stranger we both were,

-Archaic sounding jars with the rest of the "prosey" style of the poem.

I'm here writing this letter swollen with a million tears of heavy cries.

-million tears of heavy cries is cliche. It ruins swollen letter.

Maybe it could have been fate that we unofficially met;

-clunky, cumbersome word, unofficially

A destiny resulting in both loss and gain.

-Huh? Vague unexplained reference.

A second's glance is certain to be the catch,

-By catch you mean hook? I would like the abiguity of catch if I weren't reading it as "A second glance would be the end of it," and knowing full well you mean the opposite, it comes off as bad word usage.

Since here I stand alone in the rain.

-Cliche

A passive reflection of sorrow illuminates from the scar;

-What scar?

My heart begins to beat slowly in rhythm with my eyes.

-Eye pulse?

The ticking of the clock abruptly stops;

"I know you're up there," I finally whisper

-Is the whole poem written to God?

…….smile -non sequitor.

Maybe I am naive but I suspect if the reader cannot fathom what you are talking about, then maybe you are being vague or are confused.

I swear to God it took me three readings to realize that said "parading heartache", not "parading headache." My comments still apply though.

Lines 3, 8, 11 and the next to last do not read well aloud.

I'd give the poem a 3 out of 10.

Answer 6

it's beautiful!