Please rate my poem? It's not great...?

Question

I'm sorta new at this so it's not too good...

"Those memories in the dark"

I'm sorry that I hurt you,

And I'm sorry that I lied,

I'm sorry for the things I said to you,

And the things I kept hidden inside.

My soul filled with those memories,

That continue to haunt and tug at my brain;

Glancing at the bruises and scars,

Those aren't what cause me pain.

They're tucked in the back of my mind,

But in reality they're truly just a footstep away in the dark;

I'm gonna cry and wish them away,

But that's never gonna mend my heart.

And those memories come flooding out in tears,

Bursting through my eyelids effortlessly;

The snickers issued from the crowd usually hurt,

But the memories hurt more, I regard the snickers carelessly.

It's almost like the movie 'Jaws',

Me as the innocent victim, the memories the shark;

But running, screaming, whining, aren't going to get rid of

Those memories hidden in the dark~

K it's not one of my best...but I just would like opinions.

Answer 1

wow, that's really good, if i could write poems half that good, well, i'd be writing poems half as good as you! lol

Answer 2

I think morcporc makes a really good point. the poem isnt really about much. its mostly about u trying too hard to write an amazing poem but its not translating well.

theres nothing wrong with a poem that rhymes but next time u write something try to stay away from the A-B-A-B typical rhyming pattern. i think i read another one of ur poems that had the same rhyming scheme. just try writing out ur feelings without being in the mindset of "im gunna right a poem and im gunna make it rhyme"  trust me even if all that comes out is 2 sentences.

alot of the best songs/poems/quotes are made when a person isnt trying at all. on that note i'll tell u wat i liked about the poem; the fourth paragraph. it could have been better but it was the best.

'those memories come flooding out in tears' i like that.

Answer 3

i thiunk it IS a great poem. certian tools you used very well, repetition, a simile with 'jaws'

however when you said 'snickers' i was not sure what you meant. possible sniggers?

i like it alot

bravo

Answer 4

i really liked it

you can feel the pain

and the numbness

and the surpressing

its very...

metophical,

in a good way!

i really liked it

Answer 5

It isn't really about anything - it is a slew of feelings that you think you have. (They aren't real feelings - real feelings are more focused than that).

If you are serious about poetry you need to find something to write about. Look around you: when you see something interesting, tell us about it as succinctly as you can.

Try to read some William Carlos Williams: he is an excellent introduction to how poetry works.

And you should be visiting a real poetry site (this is just Hallmark level).

Answer 6

it is very good

i really liked it

Answer 7

I think it's real good! It's deep and personal, and catchy...I like it.

Answer 8

I had no idea that "effortlessly" rhymes with "carelessly". Here is a stanza from a poem I once wrote: When I saw you, you were in your car with your feet on the dash, you were smoking something which for all I knew could have been hash; I wished I could be in the car there with you, so we might study together and do a lesson or two!