Please read and comment on this poem!?

Question

hey i rarely ever do this with my poems anymore, rhyme, lol! but this one actually has some rhymes in it cause its more of a lyrical poem so i really hope someone likes it or thinks it has some kind of potential!

"Here (on Earth)"

you're falling in love

jumping on that boat

you're setting sail

now your heart's afloat

but you should know you can't turn back

once the wind picks up

cause the deeper out you get

the more you're stuck

yea you'll be hanging around

to see the sun go up

the sun go down

and all the beautiful things

held in your lover's eyes

but you should know that one day

you'll be hanging from a thread

watching waves crash down

and the moon won't look so round

you'll be searching for the hand

the man there's holding out

to take you closer to the stars

as far as you can be

from the love waiting patiently here on earth

cause it knows that gravity will always find you

hiding in your spaceship

and you'll fall back into love

you'll set your sails

and know you can't turn back

the deeper out you get

you'll see the sun come up

and all the beautiful things

that show you

from a thread watching waves crash down

you're really searching for the hand

your lover's holding out here on earth.

Answer 1

are you tired yet of hearing about how much of a creative genius you are? hope not.... you are...

at first I thought

of your poem

you were holding

back

attempting not feelings

but to mold

to give what others

would want

and that not

allowance

for the flowing

freely giving

know no

part way thru

that is how I thought

went a read

again

to see what it was

I felt

and now creative

genius accolades

receiving

bravo bravos

applaud lead

this is how I

felt what I see

pictures created

for me

~~~ sorry for the above, happens from time to time- just comes out as such~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you are right, this one is lyrical... but then... that is what "love" feels like.. a song, light dance.... all flowers, sunsets and rises.. a ride out at sea or spaceship for two... away from the gravity that holds us here...

the picture from feelings is truly away from your normal venue... and that just gives more facets to see more of how your genius is.. how truly expansive you can be...

you have left the surrealism behind.. and beyond that I love this poem; as much as all the others of yours I have read...

in it I can hear in it the twinge of sarcastic nature - which is where I got the "molding" << almost like the words were forced>> as opposed to feeling spontaneously sense while reading-- least that is what I think....what it seems to be; to sound like to me... is this started out a bitter release and something in you wanted to leave love pure untouched with a hint of a warning to be wary; for the ones who may read one day that have not been hurt or scarred left with pain, shame.... you wanted to give it the sharpness that is you... but for some reason you softened it; and I get the feeling you are doing this to give and allow for "hope" not just to/for you but others... and in that twist you either intentionally or not did give it the natural sharp tactful sarcasm of lost soule while allowing for hope to thrive -- some examples of either intentional, of your subconscious leading your pen to happy accidents:  

-the man right there is holding out......

-and "No" you can not turn back once you have given in to allowance of trusting another....

-and while you are happily obliviously off in space; your lover is holding out his hand for you to take... on earth...

last is the overall one; the "forced" words feeling as though playing a part... or not feeling it...or pretending to understand something deeper than grasped.... but at the same time; least for me - showing the expressive young love as you wanted... as you know... have felt... we do not choose to fall in love and take the chance it is almost forced on us.... so it all fits... all perfectly twisted and though the surrealistic sharp metal glints of you are slightly different.... it holds all the aspects of total creative genius I have come to love and respect... and just one more reason I am a fan.... not peer... always to you!

--- please tell me if that is in one shape or form something you were doing ---

the result of this lyrical new venture... is a deeper sense of you.... a new perspective to view the old feelings; for you have again found a way to present something old in a very unique way.. for that.. for all your poetry -- thank you so much....

Answer 2

I like it but its kinda confusing... def has some major potential though. I like the idea of it, where you go with it good job

Answer 3

Your writing has a large variety of...Definition to the point your trying to make.

It appears scattered sometimes but to skilled readers your point has been made.

It is, a beautiful poem. but perhaps too detailed.

Seems you tried to hard on something your naturally capable of. Relax, your a good writer and that's all there is to it. ;)  

Answer 4

So beautiful... Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to bring this beauty to this place.. serious.

Answer 5

Great job, I really enjoyed it. The rhythm really had me going.

You should really submit it to http://www.papertank.com and see what they think. I bet you could get a high rating for it on there!