Please read and critique?

Question

unwilling dancer

laugh while you frown

pretend to be happy

while they twirl you around

for in all of our lives

there are days we must try

to convince and be clever

with a little white lie

put on your pearls and your finest gown

then forget all your troubles

it will just bring them down

you may detest their vulgar ways

but the one who smiles is the one who stays

We are all but sheep on a greater level

who can waltz with the wolf

or dance with the devil

Answer 1

I really liked your Poem, however, I found it to “wordy” and the 4th stanza didn't’t work for me.

I see your poem like this:-

Unwilling dancer

laugh while you frown

pretend to be happy

while they twirl you around

for in all of our lives

there are days we must try

to convince and be clever

with a little white lie

put on your pearls

and your finest gown

forget all your troubles

it will bring them down

We are all but sheep

on a greater level

who can waltz with the wolf

or dance with the devil

Answer 2

Very interesting work.  I would have to agree with Gideon, a little wordy .  I look at some of the first things I posted and realized how wordy they were, then studied some of my favorite offerings, both on this site and in books, and realized I could trim up and sharpen my pieces by getting rid of the excess words.  Your last three lines are fantastic.  Please keep posting.

Answer 3

This is another good effort. You have a firm grasp on meter.

Answer 4

There is a splendid meter than is followed very easily without halting to think about what's being said.  It flows painlessly and there is a great deal of emotion behind it, which is what makes every poem and poet.  There are some words that you may feel the need to cut (extraneous words plague poems).

Answer 5

solid poem.

Since you asked for critique...here's a few suggestions (use what you like ignore the rest):

L4: You could cut "while"

L9: You could cut "your" in front of pearls and you could cut "and" then insert a comma between the clauses.

That was it. I enjoyed this. Nice rhythm to it.

Answer 6

Well done again - I've just read your previously posted poem. You are presenting very new images for expression - I like your selection ♥

Answer 7

I felt my attitude changing constantly while reading this. Many fruits taste the sweetest just before the point of going rotten.  Much of this hovers at the border of being cliche. But when you don't cross the line, you are superb. I love the idea of sheep waltzing with the wolf etc., but the ante-penultimate line needs work.