Please read & evaluate::: cover letter!

Question

Hi. I need some opinions here. I'm applying for an internship and am working on my cover letter to accompany my resume. What do you think?

THANKS!

Dear ------,

It is my pleasure to apply for an internship geared towards the facilitating the naturalization process for immigrants. Working in an organization that is non-profit and helps families through immigration is an opportunity to fulfill a personal objective. As someone who has been an immigrant, more than once, I understand the experience and implications of relocating to a foreign country. Of course, many variables make each individual process unique, but having a first-hand account of immigration will give me an advantage in awareness, knowledge, and compassion. I can bring my personal insight to your organization, along with years of work experience that have taught me the best way to handle interactions with individuals on both professional and personal levels. My native language is ------, I have lived in ------ and have travelled within nine countries, which of course has opened my eyes to the variety and significance of different cultures. I have a strong work ethic and will take my obligations very seriously. I have a sincere desire to be part of an organization working for a humanitarian cause, and would find gratification in putting my skills and experience towards such a goal, The issue of immigration is close to my heart personally, and at the center of my aspirations professionally.

Answer 1

You definitely need some paragraph breaks in this.  Typically I suggest three paragraphs.  The first paragraph should say who you are and what you want.  The second is the one where you sell yourself by demonstrating your skills and talents.  It should be the largest paragraph.  The final paragraph should explain how you will follow up with the person, such as a phone call in a week.  Make sure you do follow up.

Now for your letter.  It's not bad but you need to expand on certain points to really sell yourself as a good candidate.  The first paragraph should be up to the words personal objective.  What is your personal objective?  This is a good place to expand upon your thought.  

Your second paragraph starts with "as someone who has been an immigrant..." and that is an excellent opening statement for where you can describe why you are suited for this opportunity.  Who better to help an immigrant than someone who was an immigrant?  Stating foreign language skills is definitely a plus for this position.  You describe yourself as having a strong work ethic.  Describe an example showing this.  You mention career aspirations.  Again, what are they and how do they tie in with this?

The final paragraph should be a description of your further pursuit into this.  It could be as simple as a phone call in a week, or more complex with letters of reference, or a resume, or even a completed application.