Please read my poem and give me your thoughts!

Question

can you please read my poem and edit it please!!!! be harsh i won't get offended seriously...i posted a poem similar to this yesterday but i'm trying two different versions.....so give me all of your thoughts....and i'm 14 btw but don't let that change what you say

He sits across from me

A table separating the space between us

I try to pay attention to a conversation

With no meaning to me

But my gaze returns back to him

I study every contour of his face

Amazed at his reactions

To words unheard

I am immersed in him

Savoring every moment we have together

For I know they won’t last long

Soon lost in one of my fantasies

I imagine the passionate kiss we would share

But I snap back into reality

Knowing in my heart

That it was only a wish

He turns his head

Now facing me

His blue eyes twinkle

As he smiles at me

And turns away again

I bite my lips

Trying to hold back the grin

Threatening to escape

My heart is jumping for joy

Thinking that there might be a chance

After all

Answer 1

THAT`S NOT A POEM! A POEM RHYMES.!

Answer 2

At first i was like "okay, another poem about a crush"

but then when i read it, it was actually really good, especially the ending. I think everyone can relate to that sort of feeling (in the last paragraph).

I love how it's free verse, and even though it doesn't rhyme, it flows so well that sounds better that way.

the only thing i found to criticize about was the "blue eyes twinkle" line. It reminds me of Dumbledore from Harry Potter (he's always described as having "twinkling blue eyes")

Answer 3

Wow! It's amazing. I really like it

Answer 4

omg i love it!! i think there r some parts that could be better but i have no idea how to make it better so it must be pretty good. lol

Answer 5

Hi Jojo,

Here’s a quick edit (not saying it’s the best) but I hope it gives you some ideas on how to tighten this. Here goes:

A table separates the space between us

Our conversation holds no meaning

I study every contour of his face

I am immersed in him

Savoring every moment

I know it won’t last long

I imagine the passionate kiss we would share

But I snap back into reality

Knowing it was only a wish

I bite my lip

Trying to hold back the grin

Threatening to escape

My heart jumping

There might be a chance

After all

There’s still some imagery you could add in here, but it’s a good start. If I cut something I felt it was unneeded or something you could rephrase to make stronger. I hope it helps. In the end, it’s just my opinion.

Todd

Answer 6

That's an awesome poem! I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm 14 too. I would sugget if you ever lengthen it, kiss him.

Answer 7

i'm not gana edit anything because it is really beautiful, i love poems about high school crushes lol good poem :)

Answer 8

Oh wow.

Thoughts like this make girls have babies when their 15.

jk

But personally it's romantic but I don't see it as a poem.

More like a short story.  

Answer 9

I wouldnt change a thing about it my dear! Great job! This boy must be very lucky ;-) take care!

Answer 10

it's a good poem nice little crush to write about.

but not being mean or anything i prefer poems with a bit more meaning in them another side to them.

I did higher english so writing 8 paged answers on one poet you kinda feel that poets express themselves by choosing the right words not the words that spring into mind. so if you could make the poem more meaningful and personal rather than a descriptive story it'd be cool,

but honestly well done it takes a lot to do that.

Answer 11

this is similar to a song i know u copied some verses out of that song i don't give u credit for something some artist has wrote -_-

Answer 12

wow that is trulyamazing... keep up the amazing work!!!  You rock!  It has a great plot to it... It is very realistic.... Most girls think of that or do that even, when they have a crush!!!!

Answer 13

personally, i like it. sounds like its from da heart en where better to star

Answer 14

U SURE ITS YOURS....BCOZ ITS SO GOOD.