Please read my poem and tell me what you think!?

Question

Hope doesn't exist in a place like this.

Black, empty and all alone.

No escape from the walls i built in my head

I cry out to the people standing behind the glass.

But their faceless expressions see no sign of emergency.

All alone in a world of thousands,

standing on a black canvas,

trapped in a state of emptiness that i built for myself.

I slowly suffocate from the evil demons that lurk in the corners.

Why can i build such a place but not be able to escape from it.

I look back at the faces on the other side,

and see strangers.

The taste of envy is left in my mouth.

I want to be with them. I want to leave this place.

Every second that I stay in here, is one second closer to my death.

I close my eyes and feel the cool rush of a single tear run down my cheek.

I feel the rough texture of the noose around my neck.

Every memory I ever had is embedded into this escape route.

All I want is to leave, and now all I have to do is simply jump.

And let my once imprisoned soul,

Fly to the place were there it will be forever free

From the grasp of depression.

Answer 1

there are some changes required, as some pieces of the whole don't fit..

like:

see no sign of emergency

from the evil demons that lurk in the corners

(+ next line needs a question mark...)

into this escape route.

useless lines, take them out!:

I look back at the faces on the other side,

and see strangers.

The taste of envy is left in my mouth.

I want to be with them. I want to leave this place.

this is supposed to be a stong line, not weak. so make it stronger!! - should have impact :

All I want is to leave, and now all I have to do is simply jump.

just like this:

Fly to the place were there it will be forever free

From the grasp of depression.

=> fly to the place of no return,

far, far away from all depression.

~~ i honestly hope this helps ~~

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Answer 2

I loved it. I understood what you were saying and i think you did a great job. I usually dont like poems that dont have a rhyme scheme but i loved yours. Thumbs up!

Answer 3

it would look better if you made it into stanzas.