Please read my story Graceful Butterflies?

Question

So far I have a prologue and four chapters, writing up chapter 5.

And I don't any ews because they are lesbians in the fic OK. http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2563994/1/Graceful_butterflies

Answer 1

I just read he prologue and i do have a few notes on the text-

I think you need to be less conventionally descriptive, be obscure sometimes and try not be too obvious in the connotations.

The Snake is an obvious symbol as Lesbians they would hate the 'trouser snake' so i think it is a bit dull to use the obvious!

To be honest you would be better to submit and outline of your story as you can ge so much more.

Answer 2

Hiya,

I read your prologue and a bit of the first chapter.  You seem to have a good idea of your story, and you're clearly intelligent, but you're missing a key fact - the reader needs to care about your heroine in order to keep reading, or else sense a mystery.  What you've got so far is a good framework, but you need to go back over it and write in some detail that makes a reader feel like they are present, rather than reading a shopping list.  I love to write myself, and I find that writing a framework like you have is fine, but sometimes you need to go back over it and fill in what's missing.  Imagine your reader.  Could someone make a film from what you have told them and cast the characters correctly, with the right scenery, to be true to your vision?  Tell the reader what you FEEL as that character, and make them believe it.

Sometimes, your adjectives seem to be thrown in because you are aware there should be one there, rather than because you see and feel it.  Also, you use contradictory terms, or words that are unneccesary asyou ahve already explained yourself, for example "but it was slightly scaring the fourteen year old deeply".  Slightly and deeply don't pair up well and contradict one anotehr here.  Later you say her dad abuses her constantly and on a regular basis. One of the terms is redundant in light of the other.

You are a good writer, but it seems like you are young or uncertain, or English is not your first language.  Learn the tricks of writing to engage your reader, and you will be well on your way.

Good luck, and enjoy writing Xxxx

(Please excuse any typos!)