Please read this!!! Please i really need help!!?

Question

Okay i asked a question a while back about fake lives. You can find that if you click on my picture and look at like one of my first questions. Well a lot of people told me i should just write stories instead of keeping this stuff bottled up in my head so i decided to. Please click on the link below and read my story. It is a ood 15 minute read so please comment on my story on this page so i don't have to go back and forth. Just tell me about what i can do better and what is good. Thanks.http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1465898

Answer 1

Wow that's good. I wish I could sign up! Dang 13+!

Answer 2

I'm sure its good.

I'm just not gonna read it because i don't trust links.

unknown links=potential viruses

i would read it if it were in a Yahoo blog or something.

Answer 3

I only read the first few paragraphs, and it's pretty good. However, it's also rather wordy. On your second draft, make sure to shorten and cut out unnecessary sentences.

Answer 4

don't get offended but the grocery list and exact time is really unnecessary sorry its ok except 2 much fluff

Answer 5

OMG!!!!!!

That was like one of the most interesting and best things that I have ever read!

Keep on writing please!And tell me when you publish your first book!

oh, and is this true?

Answer 6

Don't quit your day job!