Please read this and help me10 easy points?

Question

What do you think of my poem and please use more then one sentence to explain?

Can you pick your favorite line?

Should i make it longer or just keep it short and sweet?

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4404841

these are my other poems if you want to look.

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4404428

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4372485

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4363463

Answer 1

Your first poem is just fine as is...not longer, not shorter.

My favorite line is 'Harsh realities.....veil'.....great line! Says a LOT more than just what you've written. THAT'S poetry if it does that!

Answer 2

I'll start with the more trivial mistakes.

"Sceme's" is misspelled, it should be "Schemes", no apostrophe. This line: /No soul dares to go on the street that echos enchanting voices of past victims/ Seems rather long compared to the others. And '...to go on...' seems to fall rather short of its mark. How about this: /No soul dares to trespass the street of echos with voices of victims/. Still long, but I like it better.

I think it's a great poem-- wistful, bitter. Unlike my acrostics, which are choppy, yours flows well. Keep it the way it is.

My favorite line would probably be: /Innocence is fading like bittersweet lullabies/. I love the simile: It makes everything sound so regretful, yet soothing and nostalgic.

Keep writing, it's wonderful!

The poem "Broken Sunsets and Falling Stars" is also good. My revised version:

He's not to blame-- but it's not like they care.

She's been broken since before.

Disconnected from the world, her breath is fading.

Loosened stitches surrender her heart.

Wherever she turns she is taunted by monsters.

Memories of his kiss in all it's shattered bliss. Next: "Just Keep Breathing". "Breathe" should be "Breath."

He's barely fifteen but he has a feeling he can't explain,

Always so angry and he doesn't know why.

Everyone's looking down on him, he doesn't fit in

Head and heart pounding with confined much rage.

The hatred for those who taunt him built up inside.

Everyone knows he's falling apart but he pretends he doesn't care

Going down a dangerous road with no where to turn and

No one to turn to.

They all thought he would break but he'd prove them wrong.

He doesn't believe in much anymore.

His father is nowhere to be found and his mother fading quickly.

He whispers to her, "Just keep breathing, Momma, just keep breathing."

She died the next morning, but with her last breath she said,

"Don't let them deny you from everything you're worth."

He now lives instead of barely existing.

His story is being written day by day by his own hand.

The next link doesn't seem to work.

I love your writing! :).

Answer 3

I like the last line the best, you could go on with it, I'm not sure what it is about, am I supposed to?  It makes me think of the twin towers catastrophe.