Please read this essay!?!!?

Question

For my 11th grade English class I had to write a college applicant essay on the topic “something that has happened and how it changed your life” it had to be around 300 words so please tell me what I could take out. Please grade this essay and tell me what grade it got. Thanks a lot!

Waking up to your cousin's voice saying "they took your mom away in an ambulance," is one of the worst ways to wake up; especially when you are only seven years old. On the night my mom was taken to the hospital many tests were run on her to see why she suddenly had a very violent seizure. Soon after, they diagnosed her with a cancerous brain tumor. She held strong through all the surgeries and chemotherapy sessions that went on for two years. After all the miserable hospital visits she got tired of it and wanted to stay home and forget about treatment - the doctor gave her three months to live. It was almost impossible to crawl out of bed every morning just because I knew that my mom might not be with me anymore. She lived for another six months before she finally passed away. I woke up one morning and walked into the living room where my mom had been living for four months, too weak to walk into her bedroom. My grandmother's eyes were misty and I could tell something was wrong. My dad softly called me over and I shook my head and turned to leave. No news was best for me. My dad called my name again and I turned and walked over to him. He gently sat me on his lap and told me that my mom hadn't made it through the night. I blinked back tears as I ran from the room. I went in my closet and cried. Now I look back at my nine year old self and realize that I knew it was coming, but nobody could ever be prepared for that. My dad taught me not to give up on those you love, but to help them through things the best you can. He was always there for my mom and for us kids. He took care of my mom, the house, and us, and even worked from home so he could be right there. I learned about the will to live and the value of life from my mom who wanted to hold on long enough for us to remember her. This experience in my life has made me stronger. I still go through rough times but I know the importance of looking at the positive side of things. My life was changed forever, but my experience has left me with a positive attitude on life and I thank my mom and dad for it.

Answer 1

G-

Answer 2

wow. you have great writing skills and it hits the heart, which is kinda cheap for college applications, but it works.  i would give you a 90 on it

Answer 3

Very touching! I really think you did a great job!

Answer 4

combine the sentences "My dad softly called me over andi  shook my head...."

instead say "As my dad attempted to beckon me to him, i turned to leave, fearing my oldest nightmare was about to come true; but h called my name again."

its a great and moving essay. If it were up to me, I wouldn't cut any part out.  However, you can shorten sentences (like i did) and combine them.  Remeber, it doesn't matter how long words are; people tend to limit themselves to their most basic vocabulary when editing.  good luck!

Answer 5

Very nice essay.  I'd give u an A-.  You had a great opening and closing. It was interesting and sympathetic - studies show that when there is sad "sob" story, the teachers tend to give you a better grade.  Im assuming you captolization is not what you wrote, because in the first line, "they" should be captilized.  Also needs better punctuation - you hold back on your commas.  If that is not what is really on your computer because you typed it fast, you get A- because your vocabulary is about an 8'th grader's (no offense) and you need better openings than "I" "My Dad" "My Life" "My grandmothers" and ya.  You need more variety.