Please review,interpret,and rate this poetry I wrote in 10th grade.?

Question

"Black passion"

See the blackened hand,embedded with gold

See its claws, grasping into my brain

It keeps me from loosing my temporary sanity

The shroud folds slowly over me,but

I can see through the holes,and

It reminds me,.....Constantly reminds me

I do not want this

Should I want this?

What else is out there

Shoud I even care,that

Iam without human necessity

Anger overcomes my sorrow,sorrow overtakes my joy

Joy overcomes my, comforting wisdom.

I like where I am, but

The original intention,has lost my attention

I long for the one,who can bring back

What is known

I think I want this

My oath includes this

I cant stand to bear

The hatred they hide

So I take it upon myself,to

Save them, the only way I know how

This thing is slowly taking me apart

So I take a look from the start

Now I can see, maybe,love and purpose can be.

but,not without giving up a part of myself

Odds arent looking good for me.

Reaching out

Looking in

Remember the state im in

Shaking the hand, of the unknown

Can the fury of my passion, stay everlasting

With the weakness of my,

Heart-felt,lonley, upside-down compassion.

sORRY Its so long, But, I was really getting into it. Thanks in advance.-Randy

Answer 1

For a 10th grader it shows a lot of depth and sophistication in my opinion. Some of the punctuation is slightly distracting, however, It does have a very lilting and lyrical rhythm that draws you through the body very effectively. Very easy to get through really. Some poems clumsily lurch and heave like a gag reflex, especially with young writers.

I, personally, can relate to the line "I am without human necessity" cause I've been in that place. Keep writing! :)