Please revise this for me?

Question

Dear Mrs. McKee,

My name is Kevin Song and I would like to tell you about myself. I am 13 years old and was born in Houston, Texas. I lived in Houston for about two years then moved to Oklahoma for four years then to California which I stayed for about 3 years and had to move back to Oklahoma. My favorite place I have lived in was in California because of the beaches, the food, and the big busy cities. My favorite places to visit in California were the Dodgers Stadium, Long Beach, and Newport Beach. I still enjoy the rural area of Oklahoma though

My favorite sports are football, soccer, and basketball, especially football. My favorite football team is the Texas Longhorns and the Dallas Cowboys. I like the watch T.V. and play sports with my friends. I had just moved houses last year and was able to go to Brink Junior High. I hope to have a fun and have a successful year in your class.

Sincerely,

Kevin Song

Answer 1

Here's my editing.  I'm a teacher.  ;)

My name is Kevin Song and I would like to tell you about myself. I am 13 years old and was born in Houston, Texas. I lived in Houston for about two years then moved to Oklahoma for four years. Then I moved to California where I lived for about 3 years before I had to move back to Oklahoma.

My favorite place I have lived is California because of the beaches, the food, and the big, busy cities. My favorite places to visit in California were  Dodger Stadium, Long Beach, and Newport Beach. I still enjoy the rural area of Oklahoma though.

My favorite sports are football, soccer, and basketball; especially football. My favorite football teama are the Texas Longhorns and the Dallas Cowboys. I like to watch T.V. and play sports with my friends. I moved to a new house last year and was able to go to Brink Junior High. I hope to have a fun and have a successful year in your class.

Answer 2

My sister found a mistake: You said "I like the watch T.V". You should know how to fix that ;)

Otherwords, the sentences sound a bit choppy and repeated. Try saying and starting sentences differently. Let me write one. You can use as an example and "fill in the blank".

Dear Mrs Mckee,

My name is Mimi Yahoo. I'm 13-year-old with long black hair, cocoa brown skin, and a smile that can light the world. I'm a kind growing lady that loves to learn. I love to tinker with things, read, make someone laugh, learn, and play. Some things you'll usually see me do during class is taking notes or listening avidly.

When I grow up, I would like to become a doctor because of it's oppertunity to learn more about the human body. If I had to choose one subject ad my favorite, it would have to be science because it deals with as many topics as wildlife to the universe and I have a keen eye for variety. My goals for this year is to become a straight A student, and with you as my teacher I'm pretty sure I'll acomplish that. I have a good feeling about your class, Mrs McKee.

See you 4th period, Mimi Yahoo/

.