Please tell me how does my story sound? Please Judge!?

Question

Chapter 1

Paris, France

May 12, 1884

I was sitting in the chair going over the birthday plans for my 17h birthday. I would have a public dinner and a ball. In two days I will be 17 years old. I sit there day dreaming about how my life is going to be.

I was suddenly irrupted from my daydream. “Elizabeth?” Father called for me. “ Can you please come here?”

I got up from my chair and walked out side to the garden were my father stands. An angry mob stands in front of my families mansion. All of them were mostly men with several women standing by there sides. A couple men stuck out to me. A tall bald guy with disturbing blue eyes was watching my every move. He had a smug expression as his facial mask. Than next to him was Henry Brookfield. Henry was the guy that every girl fantasized marring and having a family with. Henry was a player which meant he would use any girl and cheat on them. He would be the guy who would sneak into your room and say sweet things to you. Than after that your relationship is over. He never believed in courting a girl. He rather ruin a girls reputation he never cared about anything but his self. But these were rumors I have heard about him in the women's lounge in a ball or a opera.

Henry has light hazel eyes with a dark brown hair and is at least 6'3 or shorter.

“Hand her over,” a tall bald guy hissed at my father.

“Never!”my father hissed back at the angry mob.

“ Than you must pay for not handing her over!” the tall bald guy hissed.

“Never!” my father hissed again.

“”Than bad things will happen.” Than a small plumped guy came out of the angry mob holding up a gun and me.

“Take my life not hers!” my father yelled crying.

“As you wish sir than we will surely will take your sweet innocent daughters life,” the tall bald guy said.

“Elizabeth run! Don't forget I will always love you my little angel!” my father shouted at me in a cry.

I took off running into the house up to my bedroom closet. Tears were threating to spill.

Than I heard a bang! Tears started to gush down my face knowing my father is in the garden dying of a bullet.

Light footsteps appeared walking swiftly against the floor.

“Elizabeth come out, come out were ever you are,” the stranger called out.

My heart started to pound loudly in my ears and in my chest like it was about to pop out of my chest. My breathing became loud and fast. My body started to shake like I was about to pass out.

A couple of bangs started to hit walls. Than the closet door swung opened.

“Ah Elizabeth there you are.” The tall guy said in a angry whispered to me.

The tall guy with a bald head grabbed me and threw me up against a wall. He took his hand and put it to my throat, holding me with a force so I won't escape.

“What do you want from me?” I cried. I kicked and squirmed to get his grip loose.

“ We want you DEAD!” the guy shouted at me. “What a shame that a pretty girl like you is going to die before you turn 17 years old.” He said with a tsk.

“Let go of me!” I shouted and than kicked the guy in the shin.

I took off running out of the house. I ran until I was to my best friend Alice's house. Alice has been my best friend since childhood.

Alice is at least 5'3. With long wavy hair when she wore it down in her house only. She also is a very talkative person with a bubbly personality.

I knocked on the door while looking around to see if I lost those horrible guys. The Disraeli family's maid Ms Carter opened the door with a smile.

“Oh Ms Elizabeth what a grand to see you,” Alice said walking down the stairs than taking a bow.

“Hello Ms Alice, may I come in?” I said quickly than taking a bow.

“Why yes, you may; Mademoiselle Carter can you get us some tea.” Alice demanded.

“Coming up Mademoiselle Disraeli.” Ms Carter said while bowing at her mistress.

“So what brings you here Lizzy?” Alice asked me with a wrinkle between her eyebrows.

“I'm in danger, they killed my father.” I whispered that broke at the end.

“What do you mean Lizzy?” Alice asked very confused.

“ These people.. well you can say more like a angry mob..wanted me dead.. father said no kill me..and than this small plumped guy..shot my father.” I whispered to Alice with tears threating to spill out of my eye lids.

“Elizabeth I am so sorry about your father but what do you mean they want you dead?” Alice demanded.

“I don't know” I croaked crying.

“Elizabeth I am always going to be here no matter what happens and don't worry about your father's murders.” Alice said lying threw her teeth.

“Alice you know your the worst lier who ever walked this Earth.” I said smiling with tears still gushing down my cheeks silently.

“I know but I was trying to help, see I got you smiling.” Alice said smiling and laughing.

“Well I must be going Alice.” I said bowing.

“ Good day Lizzy,” Alice said

Answer 1

You have a lot of grammatical errors in here.  They seem like you just don't have a firm grasp on grammar.  It's a difficult thing to master, but absolutely necessary for a writer. ^^ (either that or bribe someone to grammar check it for you, lol)  You could probably ask your English teacher for help.  

"Than" is used for comparisons (he is taller than her); "then" means it followed something chronologically (he ate; then we went home).

"Guy" is probably not a common term in 1884.  "Man" would be more appropriate.

Your tense lapses for no apparent reason more than once. Double check that and stick to just past tense.

Why does Elizabeth's father call her out?  Wouldn't he want her AWAY from the danger of an angry mob?

I'd like to hear more from Elizabeth's thoughts as the mob talks, especially incredulity.  

How did Elizabeth get back home with her family?  Wasn't an angry mob after her?  And how exactly would locking up keep a mob out?  They could easily break in or just burn the place down.  But why would they have spared the rest of her family and left the house in the first place?  A smart angry mob would stay there and wait for Elizabeth to return while sending out search parties for her.  I know a mob would usually act pretty dumb, but they wouldn't give up so easily.

How does Elizabeth know everyone's height (whatshisface is around 6'3" and Alice is 5'3")?  Personally, I'd guess someone as tall, maybe adding that they must be over 6 feet.  Or I'd just say they were near my height, maybe a little shorter.  The only person I can even guess such an exact height for is myself.

Answer 2

I agree with most of the other comments.  You're off to a good start, keep writing and get all the help you can.  My main problem with what you have written so far is the fact that Elizabeth is much too calm, whispering that her father had just been killed.  Regardless of what era the setting is, I'm pretty sure that anybody who had been through what she had just been through would have been hysterically banging on the door until someone answered, and would have blurted out everything in an attempt to get some help.  And Alice's comment "....don't worry about your father's murder" minimizes a horrible crime.  Try to put yourself in Elizabeth's shoes and write what you would actually feel if you were her.  Best of luck to you, you're on your way to an exciting future.

Answer 3

I'm sorry, but it just doesn't flow well. It's confusing and choppy, and floats in and out of past and present tense. Also, they hiss a lot

“Hand her over,” a tall bald guy hissed at my father.

“Never!”my father hissed back at the angry mob.

“ Than you must pay for not handing her over!” the tall bald guy hissed.

“Never!” my father hissed again.

Find a new word..

Answer 4

It's good, but it doesn't really flow very well.  You switch back and forth between past and present tense which is distracting.  It's a good start though - keep trying.

Answer 5

The idea is good, and the main topic, but you need better sentence flow. Sometimes its choppy, and in descriptive. When you're writing you need to find a balance between long active sentences, and shorter ones. That way your book wont be:

The dog ate my cookie. Then it ran away. I want my cookie back.

and it also wont be:

The labrador poodle flounced up and snatched the chocolate chip cookie from my delicate hands, and paraded down the street proudly chomping it within its long sharp teeth while I sat crying in my own puddle of tears.

So it wont be too long, or too short..just right. And think of synonmys for certain everday words.

The sentence: I would have a public dinner and a ball. (is very unactive, and undescriptive). try spicing up your wonderful work with refreshing new words, or colorful imagery that plants a picture in the reader's mind.

If you need more help, email me: [e-mail]

keep trying, and writing! Good luck!

  

Answer 6

I think your story is good. You have a great description of your characters and whats happening. Im 12 years old and I wrote a book I'm about to self-publish. Your a great writer! Keep writing!

Answer 7

well it doesn't really sound like a person who is 17 in 1884. If you were telling the story in third person maybe but since it's in her point of view she should sound like someone from that era who talks very proper and if she's in france shouldn't she have sort of a french accent or make her say a few things in french so we know what she is. overall i didn't read past the first sentence and if you want to write a story like that i suggest reading jane austen books or watch the movies and A great and terrible beauty. i read some parts and they don't have good writing structure. your 13 so don't take this too personally and think it's supposed to be shakespeare but go to writing-world.com and go to the beginner's section to learn the basics.

Answer 8

Elizabeth seemed awfully calm at Alice's house. That needs to be fixed. Giving Alice's description interrupted the flow of the story, too. If this is chapter one, you need some reason why the mob wants her dead.  

Answer 9

I don't think that u should describe alice in that scene, maybe while they r talking as ur cutting the action part, it just doesn't flow, and maybe a lil more detailed in her reaction after of the crime, it is just not realistic enough and also the after talk between her best friend and Lizzy, a lil more details about Elizabeth's feelings should help, other then that a lil grammar, but do continue

Answer 10

It's not fluid enough, that's something you really need to work on. Also, the language is much too modern to belong in the 1800's. In the 1800's and in france, they didn't speak or think in that manner. if you want to continue writing i would recommend studying how people spoke during that time in the location and going back through your work and editing. I think you have a lot of potential but you need to really work on it. hope this helps.  

Answer 11

I am sorry but I have to be honest.

You have a good idea here and I am sure you worked on it a lot. I could not make it past the first paragraph without cringing a few times. You are writing in multiple tenses in the same sentence.

example1. I "got up" from my chair and "walked" out side to the garden were my father "stands". An angry mob "stands" in front of my families mansion.   got up, walked = Past.   Stands = Present

Answer 12

are you writing a novel?

Answer 13

I think this is great! :)

Henry has light hazel eyes with a dark brown hair and is at least 6'3 or shorter.

Surely he's 6 foot 3 or taller? Or maybe 6 foot 3 or a bit shorter?

Answer 14

It's an okay story, but there are too many mistakes which distracts the person reading. Plus, if you want to make the whole story flow nicely- I wouldn't add so much random detail about certain people. You're writing a story I take it, so you can let things sort out later. Not within the first chapter.

Answer 15

The plot doesn't seem bad at all. I'm sure if you put a lot of effort into it you could make a real story out of it. However, you keep changing tenses through the story...and it gets sort of confusing and it moves too fast. I mean, no book that has been published has moved so quickly after about a page...so I think you should study grammar a bit more, read some more books and in a few years try to rewrite this book.

I'm 13 too and I love writing and I've written a few books but only for my own enjoyment. I would love to be a writer.  

Answer 16

Well, kudos to you for all that work!  This is not bad, but needs a lot of improvement.  I noticed a lot of spelling and grammar errors, so just make sure you check over you work a lot of times, and that should deal with that problem.  Even get someone to proofread it for you.

Another big problem is that you switched from past tense to present tense too much for the same scene.  In one sentence you were saying "I sit in a chair"  and then in the next you were saying "I was sitting" so you need to make sure that you stick to one or the other.

But really, you should keep writing.  You'll only improve from here, and I can tell that you really enjoy writing and that you have a creative mind, so don't let it go to waste! =)

Answer 17

Your story doesn't really flow and i struggled to read after the first line. Sorry...Its not bad but not terribly good...Keep writing though because practising really does help!!!!