Please tell me what you think of my writing ...?

Question

this is a tiny bit of the first chapter of the series I hope to write.. there is not story to it, just a sample of my style.

I don't think it's particularly good and I know I have good idea's, it's just my writing I'm worried about.

Please tell me what you think ... any help/advice.

Answer 1

Brilliant, faultless, would that I could write like that. You now need the plot to lead to the groom being responsible for the death of the D.I's wife........or was he?

Answer 2

I get what you mean about the dialogue not flowing perfectly. I guess you need to know the characters and think about if that was how they'd say it in that situation.

I don't think this is the best place to put your work though, try this site:

www.fictionpress.com

its rly good

Hope this helps

:D

Answer 3

     I think your writing's very good.  Your dialogue could do with a bit of brushing up, but generally that's good too.  Read the piece out loud to yourself.  Better still, tape record it and play it back.  Ask yourself:  Is this how people really speak?  I think you'll find that a lot of help.

     Indent each paragraph and of course that includes dialogue.  At the moment, you tend to stick it any old where!!  But all this is picky, and you'll learn quickly as you go along.

     You should certainly keep writing, though.  I think you could become very good indeed.

Good luck

Mike B  

Answer 4

I like it, for a rough draft. Good idea. I would read this book just from the first chapter. For a name for the detective you could use Luke Greenwald maybe?

Answer 5

Actually, I think it's quite good.  You don't have to mention that the tiara is diamante (whatever that may be) or that the dresses are beautiful.  And the only reason to mention the color of the bridesmaid's dresses is if you were using it in some kind of comparison to show someone's feelings -- say, the father thought they looked like a lilac bush.

The dialogue's not bad at all (which, coming from me, is high praise), although Lucy shouldn't "chirp;" nor should the detective "interrupt." "Said" is almost an invisible word, like "the."

I really like the pool of color and noise.  

Tips at my site: http://bkedits.com/dialogue.html

Answer 6

The first thing I noticed was your overuse of commas and sentences that are a bit too long for nice flow within the story.

Secondly, this line:

Her father, Detective Inspector _____ acknowledged his daughters kind heart with a forced smile. Although he was delighted to have seen his little sister, Louise, finally marry the man of her dreams, the occasion was tainted with sadness, for it evoked memories of his wedding day, when he and his beautiful, kind wife Rachel, spoke those ironic words “till death do us part”, only to have her life so callously snatched away when, twenty years later their love was just as strong as when they had first set eyes on each other.

...is extremely confusing. Are you saying that the bride is both his daughter AND sister? The whole procession of facts is extremely confusing. I don't know how this Lucy ties in. You need to work on your ambiguity issues and elaborate a lot more on the background of each character.

Answer 7

Good start

indent every time someone speaks

here are a few corrections

1. when a pronoun like her comes before dad mom, etc it is lower case -- her dad

2.drifting down the steps and creating a pool -- , take out and

3.saw her barely three times -- she was bare???

   barely saw her three times

4. ‘I loved her dress, dad’ --  because Dad is a name, it is capitalized

Answer 8

Im fourteen years old and i like to read these kinds of books. When the daughter took her fathers hand and said it will be ok, that was very nice. You'll be a good writer! =)

Answer 9

This is really good for a non-professional's 1st draft.  You're dialog isn't as bad as you think either.  Just be sure to use quotation marks to indicate the dialog.  Just be sure to open your spell & grammar check.  That will help you a lot!

May I also suggest that you join a writer's group to give you continuing feed back & critiques as you progress.  Check w/a local college or university.  They usually have one - and will give you valuable advice for when you're ready to submit your manuscript.  

Also, keep in mind that writing is a long & arduous endeavor.  Don't let any blocks or delays get you down.  If your story isn't flowing as you'd like take a short break from it & come back more refreshed.  Maybe work on something else to keep your skills up to par.  

Good Luck to you!