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Please tell me what you think of this?

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Kyashi wakes up to a terrifying dream about a war. He realizes his master is gone so he walks outside

Yuukai- good morning

Kyashi- hey

Yuukai- here have some breakfast

Kyashi takes a bowl of rice with fish offered by Yuukai. Kyashi eats it, worried and thinking about his dream

Yuukai- you look like you have something in your mind

Kyashi- I’ve put some thought to it and I’ve made up my mind, I’m leaving tomorrow.

Yuukai- don’t be stupid, your not ready.

Kyashi- I can’t stand here not knowing when this war will happen, but, knowing it will happen.

Yuukai- give it time, you’ll be ready when the time has come, but, for know you’ll have to ignore those dreams.

Kyashi- what if I don’t have time, huh, what if the war is only a week away. I can’t wait master. The more I wait the more it boils me inside. I have to do this.

Yuukai- don’t make the same mistake I did. Your not ready and stop feeling like you have to be responsible to what happens to people. Sometimes things are out of your control.

Kyashi- I was given this power for a reason master, I won’t let it go to waste.

Yuukai- there is a lot a man can do to help a nation. One man alone can restore an entire empire, but, one man can also destroy it. Having the power to see the future is a unique skill, Kyashi, something many people would die for, but if you leave now then there’s no doubt you’ll put it to waste.

Kyashi- then why do I feel like this is a curse.

Yuukai- you worry too much. And this power you have only brings you more worry. Stop being such a nervous rack. You have the power to help people, to change life’s, to do the right thing. But, doing the right thing takes time and patience. If you rush into things and don’t stop to think, then it’s possible you can make things worse then they were before.

Kyashi- I’m sorry but as much as I want to, these dreams won’t go away. I may not have the power to change everything, but, this is one thing I can’t ignore.

Yuukai- if you leave know, then what huh, have you thought what you would do, how you’ll get there. What ,do you think you’ll hopefully knock at Hidetada’s door and he’ll invite you in for a nice cup of tea, and then you can share how you plan for a better future. No, things just doesn’t work that way.

Kyahsi- I know it’s hard for you to except this, and I know your afraid of loosing me like you did your father, but I’ll be fine.

Yuukai- you think that my father wasn’t thinking that, you think I didn’t think about that when I rebelled against Hidetada. Just because we don’t expect things to happen to us, doesn’t mean it wont.

Kyashi- like I said, I made up my mind.

Yuukai- put some sense into that head of yours Kyashi. Your just one person and considering the state your at, there is no way you’ll be able to do anything.

Kyashi- you’re my master, your supposed to back me up with my decisions. Trust my choice.

Yuukai- fine, go, I just hope you realize before it’s too late that this, what your doing is the wrong thing. And if you don’t, (tilts his head to his right shoulder) I hope I won’t be there to see it.

Kyashi- Looks away from his master) me two.

Yuukai- I’m going for a walk, after your done eating you should probably start packing, (hesitates to say it) if you plan on leaving tomorrow.

Next day

Scene skips to a meeting filled with military samurai.

Speaker- Good we’re all here. Today is a very important day for us. The runaway is found. He shelters within the perimeters not to far from here, how ever, Hidetada has asked us to cease the area, but wait until the next orders are given. The west quadrant will secure the west bound while the east secures the east bound.

Jin- tell Hidetada the east quadrant are taking it’s own demands.

Speaker- don’t do something you’ll regret Jin.

Jin- let’s go. (no one moves) cowards. I’m better off alone anyway.

Jin leaves

Speaker- make sure Hidetada hears of this.

Messenger- (bows) right away.

Scene flips back to Kyashi and his master

Kyashi- I guess this is it.

Yuukai- I hope to God I’m wrong.

Kyashi- I know your mad master, but, I can’t wait any longer then what I have. I’m the only one who knows about the war, it’s my duty to stop it.

Yuukai- I’m not mad. What your doing is noble, but stupid. I’m worried you won’t make it.

Kyashi- have some faith in me master.

Yuukai- remember your only human Kyashi. Just because your dreams give you a glimpse into the future doesn’t mean your not made of flesh and blood.

Kyashi- take care master.

Yuukai- Just watch yourself, I’d hate it to end like that.

Kyahsi leaves, flips to next scene, and Kyashi is wondering in a city. He notices a crowd of people looking at something. His curiosity drags him over.

Woman- no please, I didn’t mean to, please spare me, please

Boss- do you know why they call stealing, stealing. To take without permission or right, secretly or by force. Does that sound like something someone wouldn’t mean to do.

Woman- I know I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.

Boss- you got that right. Cut off her hands.

Kyashi- (jumps in to stop) Wait!

Boss- who are you

Kyashi- don’t you think this is a little too much for such a minor crime.

Boss- an idealist who thinks our law is too much. Apparently you people haven’t learned there lessons. Get these two out of my sight. (walks away from them.

They move in to kill Kyashi and the girl but Kyashi fights them off.

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2 ANSWERS


  1. Sounds like a good Japanese Samurai play based on Saudi Arabian Taliban laws.   you write it?


  2. It is a little slow moving and you have quite a few typos.  Like nervous rack, instead of nervous wreck.  Your when it should be you're.

    I love to write and I often ask others opinions in the hopes that they are honest with me.  So I will give you my honest opinon about the content.

    It is slow moving, which makes it hard to want to continue to read.  You want to write so that the reader cant wait to devour the next word and when they are finished reading, they are hungry for more.

    I am know expert and this is only my opinion.  I admire you for writing at all.  Most people don't like to write and cannot write well.  They don't understand how difficult and time consuming it is.  Keep up the good work and don't give up.

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