Please.... thoughts on this poem?

Question

I fling back my palms,

In surrender,

My weapon.

For I swore,

I could jump across oasis palms,

Only to land on a flesh-colored mountain,

Which turned out to be,

One finger.

The middle one.

In a blink,

I lept,

Could not comitt,

And at the last wink,

From some laughing cloud,

Somewhere up there,

I too hung,

For dear life,

Onto a page corner,

With my sweaty palms,

Waiting for the tear,

Of the page,

Only to find,

A pool cornered,

In my eye,

To soften my fall,

I wept.

And with my palms,

I fan-dried the pool,

Palms flung back,

Shading my eyes,

So I could clear the blur,

Into innate formless bodies,

I send to see.

Answer 1

AWSOME  IF ITS UR

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Answer 2

I was captivated by the first three lines, and the rest was also outstanding. I really love the second stanza. It has such poignant imagery.  This has imagination and depth and I enjoyed it very much.  Thank you.

Answer 3

First off this is a very beautiful poem, and I like the way a lot of it sounds. You definitely have a very good lyrical ear. So, I'm not sure if you would like praise, or also constructive criticism. I really like criticism for my poetry, because believe that editing is just as necessary as impulse, so here goes:

So first of all, I have trouble with how it looks on the page. I think you could even the line lengths, maybe use syllabics (for example, have one line of five syllables, then one with four, then five, and so forth). It's amazing how well this works and carries the reader without them even noticing (just something to consider.) Also you might consider shortening it.

I fling back my palms,

In surrender,

(great opening, really jarring)

My weapon.

For I swore,

(gets a bit choppy here and counteracts the dynamic beginning, maybe lengthen the lines somehow)

I could jump across oasis palms,

Only to land on a flesh-colored mountain,

(Maybe move mountain to the next line, to improve the flow. Your lines shouldn't all end in periods and commas, sometimes you should have punctuation in the middle of the line to vary it up a bit.)

Which turned out to be,

One finger.

The middle one.

In a blink,

I lept,

Could not comit,

And at the last wink,

(Maybe make blink/wink internal rhymes, rather than end rhymes, because that might be a bit too obvious.)

From some laughing cloud,

Somewhere up there,

I too hung,

For dear life,

Onto a page corner,

(The imagery loses me a little bit here, because you have conflicting images of hanging onto a cloud and a page corner. Personally I think the page corner image is stronger, so I would stick with that.)

With my sweaty palms,

(I really like this image.)

Waiting for the tear,

[Of the page,

Only to find,]

(This part is a little too choppy and doesn't do much. The imagery before and after this part is really beautiful, so if you cut this and create a shorter and smoother transition, I think those images will really stand out.)

A pool cornered,

In my eye,

To soften my fall,

I wept.

(Nice image, if a little trite. Also I think "I wept" is too short a line. If you lengthen this line a bit, you can evoke the image of creating a pool tears, which a short line doesn't do.)

And with my palms,

I fan-dried the pool,

Palms flung back,

Shading my eyes,

So I could clear the blur,

Into innate (this word doesn't carry enough meaning) formless

bodies, I send to see.

(I think the line length is really good here, but the stanza as a whole gets a bit too abstract. Try to put some more concrete images here, so your  poem has solid ending.

Overall, I really like this poem, but you might want to play with some of the following ideas:

1. More internal rhyme and alliteration

2. Syllabics and controlled line length

3. Don't let punctuation control you! Don't end every verse with a period and every line with comma. Edit the poem so that some sentences and clauses end in the middle of a line. This will really improve the flow. Also maybe try not capitalizing every line.

Okay, you are clearly a good poet, so I hope this helps. Good luck!

Answer 4

wow i like this poem a lot...i can really visualize it well and the words flow nice together, great job!! (-:

PS- just a tip, sometimes poems sound really good when start and end with the same line, and because your line "i fling back my palms" is such a strong line i think it would sound good added on to the end after "i send to see."

but it sounds really nice the way you have it right now so either way (-:

Answer 5

I love it. It's beautiful.

Is it yours?