Please would someone kindly comment on this poem?

Question

Somewhere along the line, my poem's been eaten!!! I'll try again.

I'm not a poet, but I thought I'd give this a try. Any criticisms, comments or brickbats gratefully received!!!

The Enemy Within.

Where did time go? I beg you, please

To tell me, if you know.

When did the joys of childhood cease?

Where did the hours go?

Yet hold! I know this thief of youth,

This criminal of days.

'Tis Age! Oh yes, I know the truth

Of his infernal ways.

Yet still I fight him, still press on,

To years as yet unknown.

We all must fight this demon,

'Til death demands his own.

Thanks to everyone. Mike B

Answer 1

The only part I don't like is the fourth line.  It's *okay* but seems trite, like you just needed filler for the end of the stanza.  Try to find something that feels more original.

Over all, I really like it.  Reminiscent of Byron :)

Answer 2

i like it :]

BUT, lol theres always a but

it needs a different title because the enemy within makes me think there is a battle going on in his head like that mayb the person is bipolar and not that he or she is fighting with age....

just a thought

Answer 3

I like it a lot!

At first I thought you were talking about maybe a enemy that was a close friend. That's what the title entails me to think. But then once i reach the first stanza i realize your talking about your age, and how you don't want to become old and die. It could use a different title, but i think the one you have is fine, if you like it.  It defiantly made me confused at the beginning but then at the end i understood completely. So the Enemy Within is a good title. It all depends on what that title makes the reader think of.

I encourage you to write more poems.

Your very good.  

Answer 4

darn, i thought the "somewhere along the line, my poem's been eaten!!!" was the first line of your poem

too bad because i didn't really like The Enemy Within. it seems like the narrator is SAYING he fights aging, SAYING he clings to the joys of childhood, yet at the same time the philosophic tone of the piece and its desperate tone suggest something different. it pessimistic even, that last stanza

i guess in the literary sense this is not a bad thing, and is actually a good thing, since as readers we must know not to trust the narrator, but learn instead from the poet, and derive the underlying messages from whatever words we are given,

but really i just hate getting depressed.

in any case, your poem is very thought provoking. i like it but i dont like it if you know what i mean

Answer 5

needs a different title.