Poem, Please tell me what you think.?

Question

Spring Again, and its blossoming

Can you fell it?

It runs through you like unfound happiness

A joy that appears only once in a while,

And summer comes and it begins to fade

The feeling diminishes and you start to forget,

By fall its a small spark

An occasional delight,

Winter emerges and its gone

An emotion unknown, unseen to the naked eye

Anonymously carrying through

Like the wind upon your face.

Answer 1

I had something like that in mind, but I like to put it in rap prose. I call it 'Four Seasons'....

mike check 1 - 2

mike check 1 - 2

mike check 1 - 2

here we go now

here we go now.....

Spring is back here again/April showers got the plants a blossomin'/Soft as a baby's skin/Sweet Lord can you feel it?/And here's how I deal with it/The world is like a baby's breath/Runnin' through you like unfound happiness/It's better than death/It pounds in my chest I can't contain it no matter how hard I try/I can never rest/You can only feel this good every once in a while/Even the hardest critics are startin to smile/You know it's not their style/Hot summer comes and the tensions will fade/Kids sellin' glasses of lemonade/Get your toes in the water and wade/Days past fast and it turns quickly to fall/Go to the playground and ball/Lightning bugs bring the spark that I saw/Winter emerges my world is covered in white/I can finally sleep good at night/The holidays bring an occasional delight/Another year has gone swiftly by/I can't explain it no matter how hard I try/I feel so blessed to have all four seasons/Because they give me the reason/To keep my life from going insane/I thank God that I got four seasons/They give me the reason/To live my life never the same/December January February is when the snow is risin'/ But it'll roar like a lion until March starts to make it's move/April and May/Rain melts the snow away/What will I do today?/I can't wait until the month of June/July & August are the dog days of summer/I ain't gettin' no younger/But here comes the days that end in ber/Septem Octo Novem brings critical weather/Time for your boots and sweater/Come on and get it together/I feel so blessed to have all four seasons/Because they give me reasons/To keep my life from going insane/I thank God that I got four seasons/They give me reasons/To live my life never the same/Thank God I got all four seasons....

This is the writing that is really within you. I hope this helps you to write with more flexability. How can you describe all four seasons we are so fortunate to encounter in three bars? Broaden your horizons and go for it!!!

Answer 2

I'm glad all of my friends have enough intelligence not to try their "raps" out on me.

I like your poem very much. When I like things a lot, I try to find ways that I could suggest ways to make it a little better.

I really like that line about "unfound happiness". Good work!

Since you're using the word "spark" at one point to compare this feeling of "unfound happiness", so perhaps extend the metaphor and use related words instead of "diminishes" or "fade"? I don't know if that makes any sense... use fire words instead of normal words?

The only other thing I wanted to gently suggest is if you could think of a different way to phrase how that emotion is doing something like the wind on your face. Using "carrying through" doesn't seem to match up as well as other words might. I dunno... play with it?

Good work, though! Keep writing!

Luas

Answer 3

I liked it very much.

Answer 4

thatz so kool the way you showed how the changing seasons are like the changing emotions of a person connecting it all and making it flow. thatz a great poem, good job =]