Poem, just written, what do you think? Criticism welcome.?

Question

Pull my legs from under me

where's this gonna go?

Half and half is nowhere close to what

I have in mind,

lying stoned and on the apartment couch,

sitting with you

you burnt-out little flower. We'll probably

hate ourselves in the morning,

then again,

we may not even remember it at all,

such is our fate.

You lye on your back, your b*****s rise and

fall with every given breath,

what ever happened to the broken-hearted

blues? I'm sitting here wasted,

and blown out my mind,

a girl is lying on my couch,

she's beautiful...but she's not you.

I miss you, this is no longer my life,

you hijacked my love that morning sunday

on the couch she lies on in your place,

You have moved away,

howling winds have dumbed me down

my hands have gotten tight,

God I want to kiss her,

but I can't get you out of my head,

God d**n these cursed blown-out blues

and my dull-minded doldrums.

I guess we'll see where the morning finds me.

So it is that I sit in your place,

the girl come and gone

where to, I haven’t a clue,

something about buying more grass.

So I sit down and blow more smoke

And wait for dawn’s laughing face

To leer from the horizon.

Answer 1

It could flow a little smoother, but I think it's great.

It's very realistic compared to most poetry.

Answer 2

I liked it actually. I would say that the only thing i would critique is the ending, it could be stronger. It just kind of ended, like you didn't know what else to write. Still very nicely written.

Answer 3

that wasnt the interpretation I got out of it. it could just be the guy's best friend, who has recently moved away emotionally, and he doesnt feel the same emotion anymore. they get stoned to let their emotions resurface. very good poem. I like it a lot.

Answer 4

I understand it.

in the poem you're hooking up with someone about to have s*x and then all of sudden you're lying there dumbfound thinking about your ex. You can't get her out of your head so you find yourself in an awkward position with this naked woman lying in front of you.

FINE! but where's the emotion??

Honestly, there's not much imagery and that is a MAJOR part of a poem. It wasn't bad, but I got bored reading it about half way through.

I got bored at

"you have moved away"

I like this part though

"Howling winds have dumbed me down"

that is the best imagery in the whole poem.

Not bad but work on imagery and keeping your readers entertained.

You're welcome to look at some of the poems on my pg.

hope this helped

-good luck : )

Answer 5

omg omg omg i loved it sooo awesome

Answer 6

it's ok. dont really understand it ,yet i like. im okay with that.