Poem, written last night. What do you all think? Criticism welcome.?

Question

Life is a maze in

the dregs of the wine bottle,

collapsing drunk by the wastebasket,

a hope that has been sunk.

Hugging yourself,

chills and fire wracking your body

in a sickening glimpse of what could be,

Life.

Head in your hands,

corner filled with bad dreams,

in the forms of broken bottles and morphine,

leaving you broken, among other

things.

Clashings and tribal feelings

wrapped up in yourself,

contemplating the sunflower

sitting drooped in the window pane.

The moon is unnaturally large,

it's face is Eden,

and it's lips are kissing Death's constellation,

dwelling above this wrecked apartment,

pale and round.

You yearn for pleasure,

those are primal and fundamental,

all wrapped up in one.

What have you done,

sitting in and speaking out,

carousing laughing weeping

stretched out too far,

robbed blind in your stupor,

these d**n chains.

Don't do what I have done,

it leaves one shaken,

experiments are soul-awakening,

but they cannot be found

in these wine doldrums.

Answer 1

its good but its long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Wow, that is really excellent, honestly. The structure adds to it hugely, very dark, I really like it.

The only single thing I would change or leave out is 'among other things', I don't think the vagueness adds to it what specifying would or might.

But really, I think it's great =]

Answer 3

It is a very powerful poem, with many dark images that lend to the mood and message.

I would only edit this part somewhat:

corner filled with bad dreams,

in the forms of broken bottles and morphine,

leaving you broken, among other

things.

I know what you are trying to say, but you repeated words which made them loose their 'power' of meaning.  IE:  "Bottles" "Broken" Already used those words, think of  another word or blend them in one.

Maybe....

corner filled with bad dreams,

in the forms of shattered glass and morphine,

leaving you broken, among other

things.

Or

corner filled with bad dreams,

in the forms of broken bottles and morphine,

leaving you in it's likeness, among other insidious

things.

Just a suggestion but great poem!