Poem...? Advice...Help?

Question

Strangers to my darker thoughts,

Foreign to my frozen wishes,

Streaks of red breed indifference,

My silent pain remains neglected.

Dare you look upon me now,

With mocking eyes and sympathy?

You face the frigid stare

Of a girl disappointed too often.

meh, i kno its not great... but i was bored yesterday. i dont really know how to end it lol any advice would be very appreciated : )

Answer 1

could be longer..like ur wordin, good metaphor..its really not that bad..i liked it..just a bit short..

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Answer 2

its pretty good so far and i like the fact that u have to kind of paint a picture in ur head of what going on. I write peoms also but mostly music. I think for the end u should maybe describe the inner thoughts of the narroator and let the reader see into the mind of the oppressor if that makes any sense. I hope i could help

Answer 3

I'm getting the image of a cutter (streaks of red breed indifference) who finds the darker world within unbearable and yet freezes her outer world in a dare not to recognize so she can hold onto her disappointment and pain.

I have no advice for this writing.  It's fantastic in its depth.  Others could pull totally different meanings from this and that's the mark of a good poem . . . . it stirs the imagination, creates stories, gives glimpses into the human psyche and allows the reader to explore new areas of human experience.

Write On!

Answer 4

: raising an eyebrow :  

Who says it's not great? It is rather dramatic, I like it. It's a decent format. The only problem I see is that you don't note who the strangers are.