Poem: Clan of the Butterfly. Do you think it needs changes?

Question

Clan of the Butterfly

by Victoria Tarrani

(© 99.08.22)

We flit

from thought to thought

transients

lingering only to taste

the freshness of the moment

before the fragrance

of the next blossom

beckons

and our agile

wings lift us to

another plane.

Answer 1

I agree with everybody. The poem did have a "butterfly-like" quality to it, which was (for a lack of a better word) cool. The first three lines, I thought, made the poem more about butterfly-like people and not JUST about butterflies, giving it good doubleness and density. So, think about that word "transients" and what you really want the poem to say (credit goes to neonman for pointing that out). And I suggest following Todd's advice as well. Go through the poem just picking lines at random and read them, each line should be able to stand by itself (even if its only on one leg). Lines like "and our agile" work some what due to the sound of "our" and "are", but lines like "wings lift us to" don't (in my opinion).

Thanks for sharing.

Answer 2

Soaring on wings,

made of

dreaming dust,

is your silence

your eloquence?

What do I miss

under the whispers,

your homily?

As a Taurus...I don't think subtlety is my strong suit. This poem, however, wrapped me in and throughout it, entanling, admiring, like the petal soft feel of a butterfly landing on one's finger. Thank you, Tori.

Answer 3

So very beautiful, with grace and sensitivity I am feeling the flutter of wings!!  Cheers and yes like it just the way it is!!  Todd does give amazing edits though!

Answer 4

I like it as is. Excellent poem. Truly.  

Answer 5

It breathes, the images compliment each other, and the texture soft as a pillow. If I were to chage anything it would be to put a pause before transients   "...transients" ... it leaves you to linger on the first two lines prior to moving on to the rest and provides a smooth transition..

It really is fine as is but I do like Todd's suggestions, but I like mine better (smile)... it would also be cool if you covered transformation, even if in another poem... going from caterpillar to butterfly.

note: your title reminds me of "Clan of the Cavebear"... a book I liked.

note2 concerning previous comment: I hate dart, love flit / flit implies no particular destination... dart implies you know exactly where you are going and would change the whole texture of the poem.

Answer 6

Nope - I like it fine as it is

Answer 7

I like the poem, the title?  A metaphor for transience, almost superficial people?  The beautiful people who flutter about society?  If it is to be just a description of butterflies then I would look at maybe revisiting line two.  Overall though, I like.

Answer 8

No great as it is Tori.

Answer 9

I really like it.  Very good use of imagery and metaphor.  I like the edit suggestions, but I also like it as it is.  Well done.

Answer 10

I agree with Todd's suggestions here: keeping those opening lines tight. I prefer "dart" to "flit": flit implies--to this reader--stupidity.  That isn't what your aiming for, but that's what I draw off that first line.  Either way, I'd get rid of "agile" in l10 as it's inferred in that first line.  Thank you for sharing: what a wonderful work to read on a Sunday morning!

Re Bob M.'s comment: dart was a suggestion. Flit is already implied with "transients"  To this humble reader, hummingbirds "flit" Butterflies move broadly across the landscape.

Answer 11

This is one of your better ones that I've read at least. I love the title. A couple suggestions on cuts (put in brackets). I will also give you some line break suggestions--as always use them or ignore them they are just suggestions:

We flit

[from thought to thought]

transients lingering

[only] to taste the freshness

of the moment before

the fragrance of the next

blossom beckons

and our [agile] wings lift

us to another plane.

I like the short lines you use because it gives the sense of flitting. I think putting some of your line breaks on words like "next" and "before" also reemphasize that with the structure.