Poem....Critique for me please!! Thanks!?

Question

I had a love affair and I am not to proud,

It wasn't with a person it was all inside my mind.

I stripped you down of all your pride,

Now tell me is your head the safest place to hide.

I'm a manic in the body of a man with no face,

I wanna show you love, I want you to taste,

But I can't bring myself to cure this waste,

Like I said I'm a man that has no face.

Peel back the skin to reveal who I am within,

A sacrifice of flesh for a second of happiness,

I despair about the way we move when we move,

I never planned to travel you just forced me to.

I wanna go back home, I wanna learn to grow old,

I wanna stop this cancer eating away my lungs,

I wanna stop the drugs, I wanna embrace your hugs,

I wanna feel like a 19 year old should, could feel.

I'm growing short on breathe so breath for me,

I would do it for you if I could,

How does a heart meant to feel,

When everything you see just doesn't seem real....

Answer 1

I had a love affair and I am not TOO proud,

It wasn't with a person it was all inside my mind.

- I was brought in by the lurid first line, somewhat interesting gambit

I stripped you down of all your pride,

Now tell me is your head the safest place to hide.

- the violence and strong antagonism of these lines needs to be continued or they are a useless exaggeration.

I'm a manic in the body of a man with no face,

- I got tripped up over the phrase I'm a manic, this is usually "I am a maniac" or "I am manic" and since we spelled TOO wrong, I have to assume that this is a typo. Maniac scans badly and so I guess it should read "I AM manic" but how am I to follow the poem when I have to correct it as I am reading?

- "in the body of  a man with no face" is interesting IF I TRUST YOU CAN WRITE and it isn't some sort of non sequitor typo. So now I am not reading "is this a good poem or not?" I am reading "is this what he really means to say or not?" Not a good place to put me.

I wanna show you love, I want you to taste,

-it? I have caught myself trying to fix your line by making it a cliche and wondering if you dropped the it just for rhyming's sake. Ugh.

But I can't bring myself to cure this waste,

-I want to link this to the anger/hatred but it's too vague.

Like I said I'm a man that has no face.

-Too conversational. We are pals now and the anger above was a lie.

Peel back the skin to reveal who I am within,

A sacrifice of flesh for a second of happiness,

- Cool cutting imagery, violent but we just kiboshed that with "Like I said..."

I despair about the way we move when we move,

I never planned to travel you just forced me to.

- "way we move when we move" is vague filler. "you forced me too" makes the transition from angry stalker to pathetically uninteresting victim complete.

I wanna go back home, I wanna learn to grow old,

-I wanna, I wanna waaaa! I want a bottle. More victim-ese.

I wanna stop this cancer eating away my lungs,

I wanna stop the drugs, I wanna embrace your hugs,

I wanna feel like a 19 year old should, could feel.

-Hugs not drugs? Even the cops in the DARE programs snort in embarrassment when they use that expression, it so corn-dog.

I'm growing short on breathe so breath for me, - garbage

I would do it for you if I could,- garbage

How does a heart meant to feel,- illiterate garbage "how IS a heart meant" or "how DOES a heart FEEL" does and meant are ungrammatical together.

When everything you see just doesn't seem real....  -vague, vague where are the action nouns and verbs; no adjectives no feelings. You are saying here "I want to evacuate all point in this last line because I want to you remember how vague and uninspired I am on the last line."

The last line of a poem should be powerful and leave me wanting more.

Not I ran out of steam and through some meaningless words at you.

Answer 2

Wow i have to say that this is very deep. It evoked emotion from me. I like that in a poem that makes you feel close to the character in the poem which this has done i love the line "Like I said I'm a man that has no face" it leaves you feeling like after all this person mentioned before beings stripped of pride, that he has felt that their is no identity to him idk im just rambling but i liked it!