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Poem I just wrote, what do you think? Criticism welcome. It's a bit long.?

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As I ride above these states

a stewardess asks my name

I calmly reply "my name is but a name",

as reality touches down I give the

woman a kiss on the cheek

and whisper "I'm twelve miles high".

I'm simply sitting on twelve different

mountain peaks,

twelve different truths

in various hues and shapes.

As the sun-dried breeze caresses the face

so in the same way did I caress you,

and lit the sun in men's hearts

so that their gardens may explode with color

and desire artistic wonder

I'm journeying on to the Ellis Island of the west

the west I thought had died

a virtual desert in intellectual thought and

literary expansion for the

eager mind in fruitless abandon.

The ferry is the cold steel of industrial

ambition freezing and gray

while the sharp winds send me along

with a stamped ticket proving my place

among the tourists

no one wishes me near them

I'm worn dirty and my hair wild

(this breeze that I speak of doesn't

improve my situation).

I reach the island at mid-morning

and before boarding this behemoth

that I will be straddling at the very tip

I unpack my dirty used chimes and

clang clang clang!

I have now witnessed in the wispy fog as

it breezes past coolly and indifferent to

my intrusive nature

I gaze out on the sea and wind

biting my cheeks raw I let out

a "Hoo!"

Unchallenged and unafraid I stride to the top

this is my Peak

my Mountain

could this be that I have witnessed the truth

in God's dharma?

Twelve and each one gazes from their

different peaks like wise chinese sages

all radiantly transcendent in their own

specific ways?

Smiling and wrinkled with youth and age

with their own individual truths scrawled behind

them on the mountain wall?

I lay down my pack

my head soon follows

and on the top of this island

I sip hot tea

and chew macaroni from a can

a fellow's simple feast

warm and filled with utter euphoric happiness

do I finally sleep

on the peak of this golden mountain.

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  1. <Poem I just wrote, what do you think? Criticism welcome. It's a bit long.?>

    I thik it's really good.

    It conveys a terriffic sense of freedom and journey both spiritual and physical,

    The airplane representing the astral/spiritual self and the flight being the journey to enlightenment.

    I think there are some good reasons for some poetry to follow a structural pattern of rhythym and verse.

    But not every poem.

    What's too short or long, or loose or structured is only in issue of perception.It's what the message conveys to the person who reads it that matters.

    For me, it was full of hope and possibilities.

    I was very impressed with your imagery.

    Keep it up.


  2. well I enjoyed it!

    hmm, were you getting at the fact that people should savor the simple things in life more often?

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