Poem I just wrote. What do you think? Criticism welcome.?

Question

Hello

I would like a daisy revolution please

and a free walk into heaven

to waltz with a girl and make hollow

promises amidst the gasps

to swallow pure ecstasy and shine in my

eyes as the sun

and drink from the cup and weep

in sudden understanding in the broken

moonlight.

I want to pick the sunflower

and parade it around town

and shout out prose haiku

anything to the truck driver on the highway

so that they may follow me down

to glistening euphoria and yabbing

in the dark smoking tea and drinking it too!

I can see Georgia

and Russia too

so it goes.

I walk with smiling dharma seekers young like

me and energetic with mountain scrolls

and paper bags

hidden in broad daylight between the legs

of capitalism

whilst winking shining laughing and reciting

poetry to the mind drunk.

Answer 1

it reminds me of a personal experience...

Answer 2

A poem that rhymes more would help. It will flow better. Also you used TOO, too twice close enough together that it sounds weird. Other than that its was great. I love the words you used. They were soft and added much detail to the poem. Good Job!!!!

Answer 3

Pretty good. I am a little confused I will admit.

But I enjoyed the fact that I could see what you were talking about in my head.

Answer 4

prose haiku:

   small pool

    poet flings boulder

    big splash

Answer 5

Itz awesome. =] Good job

Answer 6

i do like it. it seems like you put alot of hard work and effort into it. your deff. talented.

Answer 7

Wow that is a great poem. I really like the word yabbing. I found the Georgia and Russia reference disconcerting, but I am sure when that conflict is next weeks news it won't be a problem anymore.

Thanks for showing me your poem. It's great!

Answer 8

I get a definite flavor of the 60's hippies when I read this...that alone says it's fabulous in its ability to transport and present such colorful images in the mind. Very Good Work!

Answer 9

Honestly, this is excellent! I loved the flow, the metaphor, the syntax, the theme, and everything! Plus, I enjoyed the style. Based on the writing style, it reminds me of beat poetry.

Answer 10

love it

Answer 11

I like it.

Very long sentences (or whatever they're actually called!)

you might wanna think about making the *sentences shorter!

But overall it is really good!  

Answer 12

that was ok