Question:

Poem I wrote, what do you all think? It's long, criticism welcome.?

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Train Station Mantra

Hubbling station,

Selling wares and life

Transported to and fro.

Swamped and stifled

People coughing in the nicotine haze,

Pipes and cigarettes

Hanging out of puffed cracked lips.

Dull eyes watch the line of passerby’s

Trudge past in the same fluid motion

To be stamped and approved

For Transportation.

Rows upon rows of bottomless gum-grimed benches,

With carvings of lover’s names

And so and someone was here in 98’.

Suspicious bystanders

Brood by beneath the Christian mosaic

The brand new American frontier,

The great railway of the elite and poverty-stricken,

The Indians stand in the back of this,

Solemn silent chained,

By the Western shackles of exploration ambition.

Amtrak bus

Countryside wheeling about in a furious frenzy

Freeway humming and bustling, a hub of activity

Sirens flashing seizure points

Ambulance screaming sorrowfully past my window

And the world continues on.

Mid morn is reached below the overhead pass of Stockton

Country freeway melts into the city life,

Streetlights handing out stops and go’s

To cops and processional traffic.

Dropped off at Stockton train station

The paint is chipped aging

And embroidered with barb wire.

Packing feet scuffling dusty swept sombrero spackled grime tile floors

Searching about for a place to smoke before the next train,

The smoke of their mouths

Mingles with the smoke that covers the valley

While bus drivers puff wildly and bloodshot

Reminiscing.

The sun shines a sickly orange-red through the bonfire haze

Plastering the faces in sweat and tribal paint,

Old couples gasp and strain

Luggage carts lumber down the loading dock.

Across the tracks is a neighborhood,

A world of its own.

Men and women stare blankly back from behind

The steel-linked fence that divides the masses.

Speakers blaring, train is on its way!

Lumbering in at 52 mph

A lurching behemoth of steel.

Tickets out, show the man in uniform you belong,

Leather and suede blue seats

Row and rows separated by human ambition

And loneliness.

Bound for Modesto,

Roaring and smoking great torrents of blackening electrical current hurricanes

Sweeping up trash and aluminum cans,

Great wheels spinning

Creating a man-wrought vortex of sound

Spinning dizzily past the backside of America.

Burnt-out farm stead

Exploded automobiles burnt and rusted over neglected

Resemble the shattered shell of American pride,

A far cry from the Imperialistic Empire of the last century.

Barbed wire fences hide rough scarred men

Smudged and greased over in blue uniforms

Playing hand-ball against the sooty wall pock-marked by misuse

For a drunken lunch hour,

Tractors blazing down the road

In furious robotic fever-pitched frenzy,

Old dried up neighborhoods

Of 1950s finest is now the slum lord’s throne,

Broken window panes

And shattered glass

Show smiling sagging toothless houses

And withered farmland.

America, I’ve seen the ugly side

Of your fair skin,

It’s botched and cracked down the middle by the strain of

The pounding of a million tired souls,

All muttering and swearing

To the same train mantra.

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2 ANSWERS


  1. Yeah, it seems long here, but wouldn't be that long in a book. I think it's a nice length...

    The imagery is beautiful given, even though some of the images are dark and reitterate the meaning in the poem.

    The way America has been personified, I feel gives a very current, sociological view of the poem.

    Overall, it's really, very emotive and you have a real talent for creating this imagery.

    : )


  2. It was good

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