Question:

Poem I wrote, what do you think? Criticism welcome.?

by  |  earlier

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Come as you are oh child of Elijah

Come and put your soul before the chopping block,

Society is staring you in the eye

Watching you as you start a scene,

Wheels of fire constellations spinning out of limbo,

People swearing they never saw the gun,

That took a short life to the looney bin.

Swearing greased back hair

Sitting naked under your robes in despair,

Uncomfortable cold steel beds

For the madmen and their pimps, the clinically “sane”.

Crying out to the stark cold night

To the stars red-headed and in full bloom,

You’re beautiful just flawed says the man in white over-coat,

Take and swallow flatten yourself out on this bed

Tests run out of wire down your back and ***

Taken out back and beaten in the winter midnight air

“Quit your whining you crazy whino!”

Oh, poor son of Abraham,

Where’s your Promised Wine now?

Drunk already and on to the next out in the cartons and rain

Huddled and miserable.

You have seen the madness man exhibits for the people

Behind the glass,

The doctors and their patients running back and forth between

Re-runs of the same televised program,

The old technology replaced by structure and ambition

That leaves men blind

The poor souls exposed and naked huddled in misery

Crying out false obscenities to the dark

So that they can be taken to more comfortable quarters

Where they will swear they had witnessed God

Playing the harmonium in the sterilized corner,

The looney hearted and the grateful depressed,

Sucking down pills and other bodily fluids to be pressed and marked

On their foreheads by the man in white sterilized gloves

Everything is white white white white!

Clean sterilized mad seeping in through the tight corners

Everywhere.

Paranoid lunatics howling from behind closed doors

Contemplating depression and the fall of the sky on a field of scraps

Taken before the angels on the bridge to toss over and sink

Below the forceful current.

Pulled in quietly and thankfully to be below the dark waves

Of the needle once again.

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6 ANSWERS


  1. A gripping piece of work twisting in the darkness.

    I was able to read this without having to think it through it held me and led me all the way from the beginning to the end.

    Out of the darkness you have dragged a beautiful piece of work,

    I have no criticism constructive or other wise to offer --I truly like this piece and if I had to grade it   10/10

    Cheers!


  2. "Hi!"

    WOW!!!!

    Well,  I was seeking inspiration this morning, I think I just found it, with a little bit more.

    Extraordinary and unique piece of story for-told in a poem.

    WELL DONE!  

    Cheers : )

  3. I have to say that i found this very appealing. Keep up the great work. :]

  4. very appealing love it keep on writing

  5. yaaa hey yaaa want to travel south this year, ahhhh whoa whoa wont prevent safe passage here

  6. thats really good well thought out it almost seems like a novel

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