Poem I wrote!!! Please comment and critisize if must?

Question

I wrote this because i'm still in doubt with what to do with my future, career wise.

A dream locked up in the darkness

My dream is fading like an ash

My life is ending with a flash

I know I will go far

But will I ever get to see beyond the jar

I’m stuck in the darkness

Where I see no brightness

My love is subsiding

But my passion is still residing

The sun is shining

The moon is declining

My dream still fading

But my mind still obtaining

Will I go up high with the star’s

Or fall down from mars

I see no ending

Only miscalculating

There are two of me

But only one I see

The reflection from the mirror is here

but there are two paths to choose from I fear

what way will I go

will I really be apart of the show

or die trying even if I know

my dreams are locked up in the darkness

but I see no brightness to unlock this righteousness

will I fade in my tears

or rise with my cheers??

Answer 1

It's okay.....

Answer 2

I know I will go far

But will I ever get to see beyond the jar

work on that

but everything else is awesome

Answer 3

omg this is very very very good! 5 stars. i am also a poem writer myself! peace!

Answer 4

I actually like it...

Most of the time the poems that rhyme are lame..

but this one is good!!

good job!

Answer 5

star's is stars and try puting to unlock this righteousness on a new line

Answer 6

it was very long and i could feel your emotion in it there was a couple of corny parts in it but i can see your feelings in it.

                          -jello luver <3  (-:

Answer 7

I love the poem a lot. I can relate to it as well. It almost made me cry actually. Beautiful.

Answer 8

it sounds like a school assignment

Answer 9

i dont get it??????????????????????????????? are you high or some thing

Answer 10

d**n.. that was insanely good, i even made a beat to it :) heeh anddd star for u, i love poetry myself and this is very very good, keep going :) u have a natural taste for this. good work!!!

Answer 11

poems dont have to rhyme you know. Try something like this.

I feel lonely in a world of love

dangling like the spider weaving

The sun will set behind me

but will not rise before my path

Once was there

Twice was gone

Thrice has vanished

Answer 12

it is too corny. all the words are too generalized, not a lot of poemtic, great for kids with nothing to do except stroking thier snakes.

Answer 13

that is a fantastic poem!! i love it

Answer 14

If I was your teacher I would give you an A+

Answer 15

ok it's good to express yourself

Answer 16

i think its great ... and you pretty much just summed up my feelings towards life with his poem.... print and patten that m**o

Answer 17

It was ok but some of it doesn't make sense. It is almost as if you are just trying to find words that rhyme and hoping for the best.

Answer 18

you could do better.... it almost made no sense

Answer 19

omg! i love the ending (the last two lines)!! xD *ahem* anyways....

there's good news and bad news!! i'm gonna be completely honest ok?

first, i don't like this line "Where I see no brightness" (<<that one doesn't match the line above it well, i mean it shows that you can't find the light in the dark but it doesn't sound right). ^.^ i think you can think of a better line! and you might want to consider another title. well, i'm just giving constructive critisism so don't take it personally or i'll feel bad!!

other than that, i really like your poem!! xD especially the last two lines (as i said lol) because those lines end it with a question leaving the reader wondering. ^.^ this poem really expresses your feelings and doubts about your future career, its really good!! your very good at writing poems.

btw, i like how there's some words that rhyme but not a lot (i've been reading a lot of poems that have rhyming in every line lol)

KEEP IT UP!! and good luck with your future career choice!

Answer 20

Hmm, it's not bad but I think you should forget trying to rhyme because it sounds like you are just putting some things in that don't really work just because they rhyme.

Answer 21

love the end

Answer 22

This is very good. You are not lazy by making this free verse, you took the time to come up with rhymes, and for that, I think it is very well done.

Answer 23

i like it

Answer 24

it's ok but a little dull towards the middle and end.