Poem: Migraine -- please critique -- suggest better title --?

Question

Migraine

by Victoria Tarrani

(© 9709.07)

Behind the agony

beneath a cloud of drugs

secretly I cry.

I paint a smile

on my lips

dress my eyes

for guests

and close my mind

to sound.

Answer 1

It could be called 'Masked Migraine'

Answer 2

[I won't suggest a title, it just goes against migraine.]

My father used to suffer from migraines, and I too suffered from his migraines. They transformed a kind, loving, funny man into  an agonized wraith. It was very scary for a little boy to see that. I knew that I had to be quiet, so I went into my room and read. Sometimes I cried - quietly. If he had to work, he always did. I never thought about how courageous that was until I read this. Thank you.

Answer 3

Hi, Tori!

How are you? I finally made top contributor so now I can rub shoulders with you hot shot writers...LOL!! I love your short stories, they are concise and directly to the point.  

Grade  AA+

[PS]

Some titles I suggest:

Alone In Agony

The Silent Hurt

A Pounding Silence

My Grain

The Quiet Thunder No One Knows As I Go Through A Busy Day Wondering When The Pain Will Subside.

Have a good weekend!

Answer 4

Masquerade of Misery

Answer 5

A lot to say in such few words. "Inside the Mannequin" is what crosses my mind.

Answer 6

Hello Tori,

This is solid all the way through. There is only one line that I think you should look at.

Behind the agony

It's a little too abstract in my opinion. If you could think of an image to convey the agony the poem would be stronger.

I love what you do with it from: "I paint a smile" till the end.

Very good.

Answer 7

Dear Poet,

Perhaps ...and close my mind to reality. This will counter the false impression that you are tying to put on.

I think "Migraine" is perfect.

Robert

Answer 8

For anyone who has ever suffered them, your title & your work says it all.

Answer 9

Very well said.  My compliments.  You described a migraine in all its force.

Answer 10

"Hi!",

This is why scientist created panadol, it's an legal drug that can knock your headache for a six-er if not the headache at least you, than you don't feel the pain.

Great little poem.

Well Done!

Cheers : )

Answer 11

This is perfect description of migraine.  All of us that have suffered them recognize ourselves.  I wouldn't change the title at all.

Answer 12

I think the title is spot on...the title focuses us on the topic, which might be ambiguous if the title wasn't so specific.  For example, one might think the poem is about cancer, or the loss of a loved one, etc...but with "Migraine" as the title, it becomes very descriptive...so I wouldn't change the title nor add anything to it...it is simple elegance.

I would, however, change the word order of line three...and drop "I" from line four...so the lines would read:

I secretly cry

paint a smile

on my lips

The short lines are also a minor flaw...for example,

Behind the agony

beneath a cloud of drugs

I secretly cry

paint a smile on my lips

dress my eyes for guests

and close my mind

to sound

reads a little more natural...and all I really changed (other than the two lines in question) was the line breaks.  It's your poem, break the lines as you see fit...but have someone read both edits out loud and see which one they read more naturally.

Remember, line breaks insert pauses and draw attention to phrases (when they're not part of a form)...if you have pauses in the middle of phrases, the phrases sometimes lose their impact and effectiveness...just consider it.

Meanwhile, the images were vivid and the tone was well done...keep writing.

Answer 13

I've never suffered from a migraine, but my wife gets them and you offer us a faithful description of someone suffering.

I could only hope for relief and soon.

Answer 14

Hidden

Answer 15

The only worsd that comes to mind for me from my own experience of migraine is Clench.

Nice work.  Nailed it.

Answer 16

Migraine--best title. I can identify not only for myself, but for others who suffer in silence "trying" to mask their pain.

Answer 17

I see what your saying i cant find anything to change. Through my eyes i see it like this:-

Behind my veil

I cry drugs for tears

So my friends can see a painted smile

Dressed eyes

Hide despair

Of a mind tortured by sound

Title?

Painted Smile

Answer 18

Silent Suffering?

That's a really good (and really accurate) poem! Nice work!

Answer 19

Migraine seems to be the most catchy and descriptive title.  Lovely work.