Poem -- Stolen Sleep. It's 4 AM -- please critique.?

Question

Stolen Sleep

by Victoria Tarrani

(© 9908.20)

Somewhere

in the darkness

I think

sleep wrapped

in midnight blue silk

was stolen away

from me.

Demons

barter this

precious gift

offering blissful rest

if I will but

give up

my dreams,

my thoughts

forevermore.

I choose to think

sleep merely

hides again tonight.

Answer 1

Get rid of the blue silk!  Pink silk might suit you better! lol  As to those demons, bribe them with a 200 calorie bedtime snack.  I know dogs will sit up for a treat, maybe demons too! Just a thought.  Here is my thought, nice poem.

Answer 2

How can you be so calm about insomnia? That is a gift. It used to drive me frantic. Then I discovered writing poetry and despite the calming, therapeutic nature of it, I still have trouble sleeping and it annoys me intensely, even now.

Thank you for sharing this Tori. I am sorry the noctural hounds of Hades call you.

Answer 3

it;s feel like a B

Answer 4

This gives me goosebumps...this is so very fine!

thank you.

Answer 5

Great, don't do anything to it, leave it alone! It reminds me of a poem by a Greek poet that once said, even in our sleep ,pain drips from the heart drop by drop, what we do in our conscience state effects us in our unconscience state. great, glad to see your still at it.

Answer 6

Hello Tori,

Beautiful poem. As far as critique goes, I think you could cut a few minor things and tighten it up a little (however if anything is essential to your meaning or you disagree please ignore). Here goes (what I've braketing I think you could cut):

Somewhere

in the darkness

[I think]

sleep wrapped

in midnight blue silk--Sleep wrapped in midnight blue silk is wonderful.

[was] stolen away

from me.

I have no cut suggestions for the second strophe. Though, I would like to see some of the same evocative imagery from the first strophe brought down. While there is nothing wrong with dreams and thoughts, I would like to see some of the midnight blue silk quality of images grounding S2 in a more concrete fashion. All that said, I do really like the poem.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Answer 7

It's an excellent concept and superbly expressed. I do not know exactly why I feel this way, but one line was jarring severely breaking the mood - "I choose to think." It sounded somewhat defensive or pompous. I won't fight you on this, it is now 5:25am.

Answer 8

Nicely done, Tori.  In fact, it makes me a little sleepy.

As usual I like the word picture you paint.  The flow of words is nice and soothing.  I'm not good enough at this poetry thing to critique the meter or other word patterns, but I do like the overall effect.

Answer 9

Just exquisite. It is those very demons which keep me awake, too.  This reads as smooth as "midnight blue silk", and the imagery is compelling. At least your muse stays awake with you and inspires this wonderful poem!  Thank you.

Answer 10

"Hi!",

WOW, you certainly don't need to edit or change anything. Hold a prayer bead in your hand and sleep tight, They say that gets rid of demons along with a good soul and Conscience.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 11

fantastic!! Although I feel empathy for your lack of sleep, insomnia is your muse - you are becoming one of the best!

Answer 12

wow its amazing. love the way you did it. love "in midnight blue silk, blissful rest and some other ones"

Answer 13

You've created some beautiful images here.  I agree with some of the comments you've received, but feel the line breaks, in this case, may create a misunderstanding of an important line of your poem...if I read it correctly.  Todd had a good option of putting "I think" in braces, but that is not really necessary...what does seem necessary, however, is separate "sleep" and "wrapped"...because the words between "sleep" and "was" describe "sleep"...if it was written in prose, you'd write it like this:

"Sleep, wrapped in midnight-blue silk, was stolen..."...so your poem's line breaks should mimic that phrasing, otherwise it looks like something was "sleep-wrapped", which changes the entire meaning of the stanza...here is an editing recommendation:

Somewhere

in the darkness

I think

sleep

wrapped in midnight blue silk

was stolen from me

Why the long 5th line? because it's a single thought...why combine the last two lines? that can go either way...you could just as easily put "was stolen" and "from me" on two separate lines, but after the long 5th line it tends to flow a little better and lighten the long 5th line weight.  The same holds true for stanza two, whose lines I'd probably recomment breaking like this:

Demons barter

this precious gift

offering blissful rest

if I would but give up (I'd change will to would)

my dreams

my thoughts

forevermore

I choose

to think sleep

merely hides again tonight

Those last three lines could be broken differently without changing the meaning, but this particular phrasing grows the line length towards a single final thought/phrase and prevents the stanza from sounding so choppy.

These are merely editing suggestions...your words are sufficiently evocative, I just think editing the line breaks might improve the flow and keep the meaning a bit clearer.

...keep writing...you're obviously very good at it :)

Answer 14

Well done, Tori. Perhaps now, you will sleep.

Answer 15

This starts out questioning in S1 and answering in S2 without showing any form of how you reached the conclusion. I therefore suggest you keep the thought of questioning throughout with S1and 2 and conclude your action in S3.

I see your poem like this:-

Somewhere

in the darkness

sleep, wrapped

in midnight blue silk

was stolen away

from me.

Do demons

barter this

precious gift

offering blissful rest

For a sacrifice of dreams,

and thoughts?

I could give them up

Or, choose to think

sleep, merely

hides again tonight.

Awaiting tides of dreams

Washed up

upon my shores.

Answer 16

I disagree with neonman (rare thing); midnight blue silk is the crux of the poem.

When I loved someone deeply and was told the same for years, only to find out she did not... I felt my hopes and dreams taken away... and I wanted to curl up, clothes my eyes, my mind, and sleep forever. Emptiness has that effect.

Many months passed before I had dreams and hopes return... and then realize them

Somewhere within that time I can relate to your words.... again beautifully written.