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Poem: The Banshee -- a bard's tale. Will you please critique this piece?

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The Banshee

by Victoria Tarrani

(© 01.07.30)

Billy Bob the wrangler loved that woman so,

he shot his wealthy rival, and he used a six foot bow.

With cold, dark eyes a flashing, she cast a wicked spell

that brought the screaming banshees straight out of burning h**l.

She did not love that Billy Bob the way he thought she did,

and when he saw the fire she brought, he ran away and hid.

All witches have their cunning ways and magic that they weave,

and he could never hide his soul away, nor would it be reprieved.

He ran until he could not breathe then fell beneath a tree;

he thought he would be hidden beneath their canopy.

But a smoky mist was floating just inches from the ground

Old Davis, though he might be dead, was really still around.

He drifted as a wet caress inside the ice cold draft,

that followed Billy Bob's long fall down a miner's shaft.

Old Davis wore a spectral grin, his countenance did gleam;

banshees came for Billy Bob, and he began to scream.

~

And if a chilly draft, in the midst of summer's day,

sends a tingle down your spine, remember what I say:

This town still sees Billy Bob and his terrible disgraces;

the witch moved on to cast her spells in other lonely places.

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15 ANSWERS


  1. Tori this is great piece of art work in poetry, the more you write it surprises me of how you are advancing. Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. You do realize you could turn this into a serial poem. First we find out about the end of the poor deceived Billy Bob. But what of the witch? Why did she cast the spell? Why the banshee's cry? What broke her heart? You have only started the story...now will there be a prequel, or a sequel. Destruction always has its seeds somewhere, it is not random, nothing is random, nothing is coincidence.  

  3. Spine tingling story telling - well done Tori!

  4. I like it; it has a nice mystic feel with a country type rhythm that feels akin to " The Devil Went Down To Georgia". The themes are framed in a nice vague manner that allows one to think a bit. I’m also a fan of your use of the AABBCCDD... rhyme scheme.

    Aside from that, the poem as a few places where it sounds clunky and could use some revision.

    The second line I think could be better phrased as "for her he shot Old Davis with a six foot bow."

    Line 8 I think would be better as "and he could never hide away or ever find reprieve"

    Line 10 has one slight error the word "their" should be replaced with "its" because "their" implies that there is more then one tree that owns the "canopy".

    Line 13 and 14 are slightly confusing, i think your trying to express that old Davis makes the situation worse like one would feel when they are splashed with cold water while trekking through a blizzard. if this is the case i would say it like this "His drifting soul did chill the cold, of Billy's ice cold draft,"- - "the one that pushed poor Billy Bob, down a miner's shaft."

    For line 16 I would at the word "as" in the beginning because it makes old Davis' spirit seem more sinister but that’s just me.

    Line 17 and 18 sounds a tad clunky in my opinion I might change it to "So if you feel, some summers day"- - "a chill roll down your spine, remember what I say:"

    In the last line I would add the word "and" to the beginning of it so that it all flows nicely.

    Any way these are only suggestions and I honestly love the poem, which is why I decided to sit here and try to perfect it. If you don’t like my ideas, just revise it a bit and I am certain you will have an excellent poem. This is definitely one of the best poems I have seen on yahoo answers.

    This was nice to read, and so I think ill add you as a contact.

    I hope my critique has some utility to you, good luck.


  5. I'm sure Billy Bob's best friends Lamar Gene and Bubba Jr. would find great humor in reading of his demise (I heard he was still alive but looked like a toad).  Next time I see them I'll pass this along. They are probably at the saloon drinking rye whiskey... maybe I'll go visit and have a saspirilla.

  6. I think it was very entertaining and kept you wanting more....i would consider touching up the last stanza a bit - first two lines I liked but the last two...not so much...Thoroughly enjoyed it though and I hope there is no offense taken by my comment...it's just my opinion that's all..

  7. I`m feeling the draft and the tingle is going down my spine after reading this great poem written in story telling form.Well done my lady.

  8. The poem holds great promise.  Recommend consider, "he shot his wealthy rival with his favorite six-foot bow".  Also, if "Old Davis" is the wealthy rival, you'll need to say so early on...the first stanza looks as if it is the combination of the first half of a stanza and the last half of another.  You might want to finish the first stanza with something about the rival and start the second stanza with how the "witch" felt about the wealthy rival...ending it with "with cold...burning h**l".  The rest of the poem is fine, though you need to work on beats and flow a little here and there...like the first line of the first stanza.  Your lines are long enough that the paired couplets are softened to the point of appearing accidental, always a good thing.  Again, the poem shows good promise, great images and a good storyline...keep at it..edit, edit, edit...it'll be worth it...and keep writing.

  9. wonderful; maybe you should use this poem as a springboard to short stories, I can see you doing that!  

    to think if you hadn't have emailed me I would have missed this trio of gold; when are YA going to sort out the contact emails? frustration ain't the word

  10.    I believe you have the makings of a song there...a good one. Very talented lady...Namaste

  11. This story makes me feel the banshee's touch and hear their scream. It chills me to my core. Thank you for sharing.

  12. Tori,

    What a howl!!! This is pure adrenaline shooting through your mind!! The only way I have to describe this epic work is this subtitle that you may borrow...

    The Devil Went Down to Georgia Meets Rocky Raccoon.

    I LOVE EVERY MORSEL because it appeals to my songwriting side!!!

  13. I can't stop howling out of pure enjoyment.

  14. im sorry i can't i tried but im truely lost for words except for FANTASTIC wow thats some talent.

  15. I like this.  It has a bit of an Old West ring to it and could be a Halloween Ballad.

    Set it to music, have the Sons of the Pioneers sing it, and it could be a cowboy song.

    It has a little of everything.  A good guy, a bad guy and a girl.  'Course if I were Billy Bob, maybe I would have used a wooden stake and a mallet instead of a six-foot bow.

    Thanks for sharing.

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