Poem: The Warrior's Return -- what do you think; does the cinquain and genre work?

Question

The Warrior's Return

by Victoria Tarrani

((c) 08.08.13)

Beneath

knight in satin

blacker than the new moon

you bring to me your bath of blood

and war

I try

to open wounds

letting the poison spew

caress your brow, my lips on yours

searing

fire rages

your gentleness

lost in the gore of fight

you bite my neck, I jerk in fright

tasty

we share

fine wine, mixed blood;

I am yours, you are mine

this is the way you made it home

to me

slumber

wrapped together

the day will quickly pass

the night belongs to us, our kind,

timeless.

Above

my knight in black

you jerk yourself awake

doors blocked, fire is everywhere

fly out.

Answer 1

I thought this poem was excellent and I enjoyed the genre. I do think it could be sexier in places, for the Vampire image brings sensual emotions into focus. As for the challenge, I will get back to you on this later;

"The Price"

At first the danger escapes me

I am lured by a sense of relief

In that few seconds moment..

Nothing else matters

And the weights on  my shoulders released

Lost in a state of transition

I can barely find any strength to speak

The feast a pervasive invasion

My will and my courage are weak

As I fall to my knees

The river of life

It drops from her lips to my face

It marinades my sensual emotions

But leaves with a sense of distaste

Realisation of what had transpired

Begins when the pain starts to boil

I am alive without life that’s for certain

I’ll never know what it is to grow old

Now I live in the shadows and darkness

I Bring fear to the ones I once loved

Never to return, I deserve this

For substituting love for my lust

Copyright © Geoffrey Brett - 14/08/2008

Answer 2

I enjoyed the subtlety and layering of words, thought. I'm not one to read of vampires, so you leaving this to an extent, mysterious, made it enjoyable for me.

I would only suggest, as someone before me said, that you change the second mention of fire, perhaps from "fire is" to "sunlight"... vampires typically have real issues with sunlight, and escape its touch ASAP... but it is no big deal, just me trying to comment further.

... food for thought... what if you were a vegetarian and became a vampire?

Answer 3

Whew.  Another dark poem.  Tori, you continue to amaze me.

I like the overall effect.  Perhaps it could be smoothed out a little, but the idea is good.

Answer 4

Enjoying the vampire scene?  Interesting structure: 2,4,6,8,2 in which to construct lines that are coherent, but you seem to have done that.  A couple of things to consider: "fire rages" in stanza 3 is 'passion' yet you use the fire again in the last stanza?  Perhaps reword one of these.  'Slumber' seems odd in choice for a vampire maybe a different word.  'I am yours, you are mine' is a cliche that while it works, perhaps rewording would make it more original.  Overall, an enjoyable read.  I liked the 'knight in satin' referring to his coffin.

Answer 5

Vampire poems should always have a touch of the erotic.  This is a fine read.