Poem: Them -- would you critique it, let me know what you think.

Question

Them

by Victoria Tarrani

((c) 08.08.11)

Dark shadows

lurking in the night

hide in darkness

when there is light.

To sleep by day

and live by night;

it suits my way

my muse avoids light.

Blood is their drink

deep red or pale pink

always thirsty

bleary, beastly;

your wrist, your neck

begins your trek

to drinking blood.

Maybe I could.

Answer 1

So many poems written on Vampire life wax towards what is perceived by this ridiculously "dark" generation as "deep, intoxicating, darkness". This, however, simple.

Now, if you are me, and I currently am, the most exquisite beauty is found in the most simple things. The reiteration of the night and light in the first eight lines creates a juxtaposition where you clearly oppose the two worlds. After light, the next word is blood, so you have painted a world in black and white, and then you enter the color of red, passion, anger, life, vibrance, s*x, attraction, alarm, warning.

This poem is one of swirling colors, dim lit alleyways, opulent mansions, beauty and beasts, pale blue veins pulsing under white parchment skin, trickling secrets of the ages down a living canvas and then, with the last, detached line, you enter yourself fully into the poem. It is no longer your muse, but you, reaching out, with open mouth, perhaps to partake of the crimson stream of secrets, to know the illusion of demigodhood, or maybe you could tear yourself away. Who is to know, but the poet? Who is to make the decision.

Answer 2

This is more my type of poem, love it

To sleep by day

and live by night;

it suits my way

nice

Answer 3

I like it.It's interesting

Answer 4

Interesting theme.  Economic, but well written.  I've always enjoyed vampire literature.  There is something captivating about them.  Horrific, yet sensual.  Nice write.

Answer 5

a poem a/b both insomnia and vampirism. i like the symbolism of the two things if that's what you were trying to convey. at least that's what i got from it. not to mention i'm fascinating by that genre.

jellz: it was nice to see i wasn't the only one who thought it was a poem a/b both vampires AND/OR insomnia.

Answer 6

I enjoyed this poem, I am a fan of darkness. I think the one line that tripped me up was "deep red or pale pink". I feel this can be worked on. I liked it though, it flowed, hit fast and left a mark

Thank you

Answer 7

OK OK Before someone else does it...Here goes...

IT SUCKS

Answer 8

Hi T Gal,

This is the second one... Well, even though I liked it's vampiric theme, you were a slave to the rhyme on this piece! You have written better prose than this standing on your head! We are allowed one clunker every 1000 sonnets!! I'm sorry, but I thought it was sophmoric and bland at the same time... I wanted something more sinister and evil and you gave us Micheal Jackson's "Thriller" as far as the fear factor...

I know, sometimes the Simon Cowell comes out in me and you know I still respect your body of work...   Grade  D

Answer 9

Gives me goosebumps. That's a good thing. In  this case darkness reveals much. Be in their world, but not of Them. This blood is for their empowerment and survival if we are talking vampires.

On the other hand....

Insominia creates a poetic beast on the nightly prowl with a thirst to spread bloody ink onto the page. Words coming out of the depths, not usually inspired during the day. But the Nocturnal Muses feel safe to venture out and live in the heart of the night. Your writing hand and neck tense up over the keyboard while you write.

Descriptive and intense thematically. I like.

Answer 10

It seems incomplete. Maybe you could keep on it.

Answer 11

Interesting and very well-written poem on Vampirism.

You waste no words here and you use strong verbs and adjectives. You have learned much in these past months.

Congratulations!

Answer 12

Another one that is good, leave it alone, I can tell your poems are getting better and better as you post, keep em coming!

Answer 13

'Cept for drinking blood and such this could be about a radio news overnight anchor instead of a vampire, but either way it certainly is descriptive.

I like visual writing.  If I'm doing good prose you can see images when I write.  I get the visual images from this as well.  Not my favorite subject but you definitely present it well.

Answer 14

I totally agree with Elaine,  well written, well done.

add: I liked the way it was written, a perspective of innocense... this time I think poor Buzzbe missed the point.

Answer 15

Truly a vampiristic flavor - it seems that "your muse" is inserting influence - in order to change the awake time - to be in the night. Or is it - your best inspirational moments - are in the wee hours of the morning. Whatever works - however, the writer seems uncertain hence the words "Maybe I could" ♥

Answer 16

The image of your muse being a parallel to a vampire is an interesting one.  I think the poem suffers a little from the short lines...they put the rhyming words too close together...and since you carried the "...ight" rhyme on for a span of 8 lines, it sounded a little light (no pun intended) at the beginning.  Also, be careful of using similar words too close together, such as "dark" and "darkness"...find a new way to express the same image...or use the word in an unexpected way so it doesn't appear a redundancy or so it carries the thought in a different direction.  You use "dark shadows" as a metaphor for vampires...but you could have said "pale shadows".  I know it would not have evoked the TV show "dark shadows", but it might have produced a closer image and avoided the double "dark/darkness" so close together.  Also, you say, "sleep by day, live by night"...why not "dead by day, live at night" or "sleep by day, wake by night"?  In other words, you might want to use the antithetical word to whichever word you believe to be the strongest of the two.

Again, I like the concept and with a little editing I think it could be an interesting poem...keep writing

Answer 17

very interesting,,I especially like the phrase, "my muse avoids light".

I think this is very well done.

Answer 18

Overall I like.  To give you another look at your words and how I interpreted them, here is a quick rewrite, sparsely penned.

Dark shadows

lurking in night

darkness hid

when light appears.

Sleep by day,

live by night;

suits my way

as does my muse.

Blood, their drink

deep crimson red

constant thirst,

forever thirst.

Your wrist, your neck

begins your trek

to drinking blood.

Maybe… maybe

I could.

Again, a very nice poem. Compliments