Poem: Tiny Fingerprints -- what do you think? BTW: no vampires here?

Question

Tiny Fingerprints

by Victoria Tarrani

© 00.08.28

Tiny fingerprints everywhere

a truck, a train, a teddy bear

reveal the true spirit of love--

a baby comes from up above.

The joy at birth, a small preview,

when every moment is brand new--

then days speed by in a whir

fragments of memories are a blur,

but the tiny prints upon the wall

slow the pace to just a crawl.

Answer 1

Nice pun at the end. very nice allround Tori

Answer 2

This is very well done; a serious subject lightly treated, even with a pun at the end.

I like it very much.

Answer 3

Couplets are difficult to do well because the rhymes repeat so close to one another.  However, the first two lines flow so naturally the rhyme seems accidental, which is how this type of rhyme is supposed to sound.  That being said, the next pair ends with "..from up above", which sounds not only rhymy, but contrived.  The concept is beautiful, but I think you might have softened the rhyme pattern by trying aaba, in other words, ending that fourth line with something that rhymed with ""air"...it would have echoed back to the previous pair, and avoided the second close rhyme. The same holds true for line 8.  You could still end the poem in a couplet, but changing lines 4 and 8 would soften the rhyme and only add to your images, rather than detract from them with the consecutive rhyme pairs.  The poem itself contains a beautiful concept and has some very nice images.  Consider the change of rhyme scheme, and keep writing.

Answer 4

It is a simple statement that makes a perspicacious observation at the end... It is well written...

Answer 5

But time goes by and the fragments of memory are indeed a blur as we learn that time flies but does not crawl, for those of us who left the fingerprints we do not remember, we do not remember that we left them not only on "a truck, a train, a teddy bear" (great alliteration by the way) but that we also left them on the hearts of others who came into contact with us, who we endeared by a tiny touch that later we grow up to abuse. If only we realized that the hand that holds the heart is still just a tiny fist...we are not as strong as we think we are, the pace slows to a crawl...but we're walking now, aren't we. Walking away from time and memory.  

Answer 6

Great thinking, i love it, it's something we all leave behind.

Answer 7

This poem makes me feel great. It has a sense of renewal and new life.

Answer 8

This is nice.  As I write these lines I am awaiting the birth of what my son expects will be a granddaughter in Cincinnati.

His wife had an episode of high blood pressure and they tried unsuccessfully to induce labor.  So we will have to wait a little longer to see if the sonograms have correctly predicted a female child.

This has a very special significance to me.  I can't really critique it because I think of the babies in my life with every line.

Answer 9

I can relate with the whirling days that seem to pass so fast. Very nice flow and well written. When I look upon my the wall of yesterdays past it truely slows down time for just a small moment and brings a smile to my face

Answer 10

Oooo i like this one. im not entirely sure what it means but i think it speaks to the confusing and unpredictable effects of time and ones history on thier life and psycology. the tiny finger prints to me represent left over bits of ones self that linger but are not around in thir same form. they manifest themselves as memories symbolized as toys. then you talk about birth and how your not quite living as you are being taken care of. however this time period goes by fast partially because of our limited memory capasity. Then as we grow up things become complicated and all our memories have a distinct part to play as we truely start living our lives with full mental capsities. and as we can percieve we have more memories and so all is slowed down again.

theres probably more to it that im missing but thats all i can dig out of it atm

i like this poem too.

Answer 11

I think I agree with Elaine and stuff.

I read Colbert's answer. I got lost several times. He is very proud.

He would be right, if there were only one meaning for every metaphor. When I read "fingerprint' I think of smudges.

As far as rhyming; it's a poem about a child. Happy little rhymes would be permissible...

Answer 12

Your images are interesting but perhaps a bit disjointed.  You first mention "fingerprints," which connote residual individuality, some sort of testament to presence and interaction.  Then you leap to childbirth, which is anachronistic in your logical flow.  My mind wants birth and then markers of existence, not markers of existence followed by coming into existence.  

Also, I don't like your rhyming scheme.  Rhyme is not compulsory; it is a tool of rhythm and association.  In your first three lines, the rhyme and then lack thereof create a fluid reading experience; there's a levity there and it sounds wonderful (though I would consider punctuation after "everywhere").

Finally, I really want your message to come through clearly, but the disjointed chain of images is distracting, as are the syllabic anomalies.  However, my reading is mine alone and could be a misinterpretation of your verse.  I respect your work and your path.  

TD says I',m proud.  I think it's more a matter of trying to give you as much as I can.  If what I say isn't applicable to your work or would lessen its imaginative force, dump it.  I'm no expert, just a guy who wants to figure out what' going on in the wonderful world of contemporary poetry.

Thanks for writing and keep up the great work!