Poem advice please..?

Question

What is there to say?

Not much these days.

You just lie there in your bed.

You’re always in my head.

My heart is breaking

My heart is aching

Thinking of you

Waiting for you

Will things ever be the same?

I can’t stop writing your name

In my notebooks

You’ve got me hooked

Please don’t give me that look

Here’s the sweatshirt I took

Along with the feelings of regret

And memories of the day we met

You know why I’m returning these things to you

You know it’s true

Yeah, we had a lot of fun

But now we’re over, we’re done

Now when we part

Please return my heart

And we’ll go our separate ways

I’ll never forget this day

Can we still keep in touch?

Will you miss me very much?

Because I know I’ll miss it all

I’ll be waiting for your call

I know you may not want to talk

Maybe we can go for a walk

I’ll try to make up for it all

Will you ever forgive me at all?

I said I was sorry for everything

I told you I wasn’t trying to be mean

But you just won’t hear what I’m trying to say

You never listen to me these days

What do you want from me?

Can’t you see?

It needed to be done

The guilt weighed a ton

So is this how it’ll end?

We’ll never be friends?

Is this how you wanted it?

That’s fine with me I quit

I’m done with trying to make it better

You’re not a very good forgetter

So that’s just it, I’m finished

You got what you wished

this is a poem i wrote and i was just wondering what people thought of it.

All I can hear is your voice

All I can see is your smile

All I can taste is your lips

All I can feel is your hand in mine

The only one I can love is you

What more can I say

To make you see

That you’re all I want

And you’re all I need

I fell for you

I can’t hide the way I feel

I trust you

To take the pain away

I can’t hear your voice

I can’t see you smile

I can’t taste your lips

I can’t feel your hand in mine

Can I still love you?

You make me so confused

I don’t know how to feel

I don’t know what to do

Was it real

I would give so much

For a mutual feeling

For you to care for me and such

For your love

I wish I could hear your voice

I wish I could see your smile

I wish I could taste your lips

I wish I could feel your hand in mine

I wish you could love me back

But that would just be too surreal

I could never be with you

Things like that never happen

Dreams don’t often come true

At least not dreams like these

this is another poem i wrote if you could please give me your opinion on this one too.

thank you.

Answer 1

Your second poem was far better than your first.  Not only because it wasn't as cliche, but because the form was more interesting.  Rhymed couplets are the most difficult form to do well...the rhymes are simply too close together and the phrases come off as too "rhymy".  It might be okay if it was a comedy poem, but certainly not a serious poem like you wrote (poem 1).  The second poem was more interesting because you combined some free verse and rhymed verse...the meter was erratic, but your echoed 5 line stanzas worked well...the ending, however, was rather weak  I think you might have done better to rearrange the last stanza so that lines 2 and three were switched, which would end the piece with a single rhymed couplet as the punchline.  

...and keep writing

Answer 2

It's long and cliche...but heartfelt so I aint going to diss it

Answer 3

personally, I really liked them both.  It was a little cliche, but not as much as 90 percent of the other poems i've read here.  I'm usually pretty tough on poems, but i liked yours.  I can't write at all..  nice work